Lali: The Little Vanilla Cookie Cat World

About my quirks: in 2012 I can tell you what I think

2012-01-01T13:14:00.000-08:00

To someone that asked me about my quirks. I'm pretty pleased about being able to say what I think. Finally!

"I don't know what to tell you about my quirks, just things that you'd get to see as time goes by; things that are part of me that I can not even point out because it's people that find them weird to me they're normal. I am normal cause I am true to myself.
And well you know, my faith. There is no negotiation there. I will not sleep with anyone and not because it's written somewhere but because I believe that I want to sleep with the same person for the rest of my days. That's tragic for most men hahaha! I bet it makes them nauseous when they read it and they already had a structured plan of how to get into my pants! but you know, everybody has their deal breakers. That's mine. I like things in certain order- oh maybe that is one of my quirks!- and that just comes last. I don't open easily. I like to feel I'm like with my best friend to feel comfortable to enough, and as far as I remember I didn't picked my best friends out of a whim or in 2 days. It took me time to get to know them.
I think it should be really easy: you like someone or you don't; you feel like you will not be able to let it go, or you know that person will be easily replaced by anyone around the corner in 2 days time. It's easy. I don't believe any more in relationships that make you waste years of your life and go nowhere. Most of my friends from childhood and high school are boys, and I grew up with my cousins (all boys) and I learnt that you're either the girl someone wants or not. I tried to think that it was just real for those boys. Last year I proved in my own skin that it applies to everyone: they want you or you are just an spare part. Easy :)
is that quirk or one too many? or just me being rational?"

Forever after... How so?

2011-12-27T03:32:00.001-08:00

It's the holiday season and you get updates from everyone in the family and what are they up to with their lives: divorce and misery has been all I've heard from my family in the last 2 weeks.
After all this year that is almost gone, and meeting people with such low umbral of tolerance and frustration, willing to make no effort for what they want for their life ; hedonistic and childish: Selfish people. I started wondering again: do I really want someone in my life? I've seen the tragedy of couples breaking down to bits because the relationship works more like jockey than waltz: there is no dance, no rhythm, no harmony. They don't move together looking at each other. It's just one thinking that can command the other to take all the weight on his back, all the work load, but with no right to decide the direction cause he/she is the rider on on top that leads... Then the rider picks up the medal and leaves the horse. It's not a team, not a couple. It's a rider and a horse and sadly that's what marriages and couples are like sometimes. Don't get me wrong there are worse case scenarios than this, but this is not the way life should be.
"Forever after" "until death due us part" sound closer everyday: they both sound like out of a fairy tale; an unrealistic story, written about a non human world.
This is not the most positive note I've ever written but I'm honestly concerned .

Laura had a little lamb, little lamb

2011-12-23T15:00:00.001-08:00

I'm past the insults

2011-12-10T16:01:00.001-08:00

Today I went for a bite at my new neighbours house. They invited me to come over because they had an "x factor night". I couldn't care about the x factor but I did care about knowing and bonding with my new neighbours: an engaged couple with zillions of nice friends.

When I was leaving to come back to mine, one of the girls asked me if I could tell her where the Liverpool street station was. I told her that I was actually going to walk that way. We were walking and chatting about our lives in detail. We chatted all night but, for instance, we hadn't tell each other our names. So, now knowing each others name everything was much better- at least for me.

We were close to the station and a guy stopped the car and said to me "oh nice glasses". There was silence. I said to her "don't worry, I'm past the insults. I don't care about them anymore". She said, well I don't think that was an insult. I think that is like when boys pull girls' hair at primary school:is just their inept way of saying I really like you". I sadi to her "oh really? I never really saw it that way. Then why were you in silence? I thought you felt embarrassed about our species just like me" and she said "because someone actually stopped their car just to say something to you. I have never seen that"

Why can't I read things like a normal girl? Why does it take me months, years or to be told by someone else how reality looks like to realize real life? Maybe I have bumped into great chances and I just picked the bad choices because they are more obvious.

Moving on: packing and moving

2011-12-10T07:03:00.001-08:00

I came back from NY last week, dropped my suitcases and left straight for work. Work until late because I didn't wanted to come back to my flat. I was excited to come back to London. Not excited about leaving my friends or the new baby in the family -or even my mother- but I was excited about coming back to quit my old job, to sign for a new contract, look for a new place to live with a garden and some big windows: to start a new life.
I came back and found this package that this man sent me with some illustrations about our relationship (?) still sitting on my table, old receipts of things we did together, a fridge full of left overs of things to be thrown away, my bobble bottle which he broke without noticing and I never said anything; I found that I had a new state of mind and had to live in the same polluted shit hole! I was living around the crumbs of my past in which I couldn't really recognize myself. A not so long-ago past in which I was committing the same sin against myself I usually fall for: settling for less than I want and know I can get.
I was trying to build up happiness for someone- that once again- didn't even want me, but this time worse than prior times, because he lied to himself constantly he lied to me as well. He lied to himself not to feel the pain of all his loss, he rather delusions over real happiness. Did he ever said the true? I don't know and now I don't care. All I know is that I don't want to be in that situation again. I know what I want and that is not even close to it. The problem was -somehow still is- I am living in this space; the plot where this play happened. I needed to clean it to feel at least that we were in a blank stage, until I find a home.

I started cleaning right after work, with jetlag and all! Surprisingly I found more emotional corpses than expected... I found corpses from a year ago too. My mind started playing all this movies with smells and tastes from last December when I just first move; the feeling of excitement of my first dates: what to wear, the parfum, the food; the fact that I was having crackers and soda when he called me and asked me to go to this incredible Mexican restaurant because he craved to see me again. Then I looked at the counter and I looked at some knitted hats I had planned to put on a stuffed bear I was making for his Christmas present- the recent man's Christmas present; when I emptied the fridge I went back to February and found a frozen chicken stew I prepared for my ex and he never came home to try it. It was there frozen, just like the whole package of feelings: "how does that make you feel Laura?" and I couldn't processed that, not even to throw the stew away, so I just froze it.

I've had a long week at work, they know I'm leaving now so I have lots to leave organize: all the Christmas merchandising done, displays looking dandy, windows looking great...I haven't had the time to keep on cleanning. I have manage to make the space a little more liveable in the meantime I leave. The only thing that kills me is the fact that I live in flat 17. When I invited the first time this last guys for a movie he said " 17. I like that. It's a good number" I asked why and just for a change, he didn't say anything and it just kills me every time I look at my door when I get home, even if I try not to, I still know I'm 17.

Yesterday I came back from work early and I had too many options: visit the cats, going out for drinks with a friend, going for a movie, keep on cleaning my flat or just stay at home doing nothing. If you read me often would perhaps thought that I choose number 1, but yesterday I actually chose number 5: do nothing. I warmed up my challah and pour some fresh orange juice, took them to bed, chat with my friend about the baby and to my mom; watched 2 documentaries and fell asleep. While asleep I had a nightmare: I dreamed about him. He was always worried about me checking his stuff , rather phone or agenda or anything of his. I never really felt like, I respect privacy but his reactions every time I took anything to tease him, always made me feel really uncomfortable. He had shit to hide and I honestly don't care what it is consciously at least. Apparently, my subconscious was too bothered about that because in my dream I opened all the things I didn't in real life and all the stuff I found was disturbing and a half! So this morning when I woke up I felt the URGENT need to keep on cleaning.

As I started to get rid of papers and old receipts, I found the receipts from what I used to call "my perfect Saturday". It was a Saturday when he had a bike ride, food at Southbank, a nap in the park and a movie at my house. That day I thought we had a bright future. I felt happy, relaxed and in peace just being myself. I found the bikes receipts, and other receipts that I was keeping to make a journal book about our adventures. That was the first one. When I saw that I felt nauseous. I felt like I can't trust myself, and that is the worst feeling on Earth for me. If I can't trust none and then I can't trust myself, what's left for me? So I realized I might just have God left. Maybe, I can't trust myself because I believe in the goodness of people. I believe that people mean what they say and turns out that it hasn't happened in too many cases, way too often in this last year. I don't want to live my life mistrusting just because there is sick people out there. I think I just need to learn what I realized I've been learning so far: how to make the difference between genuine and not. Sometimes is hard, with liars I can do, but the problem is when people lie to themselves, they talk to you saying the true: their truth... how fucked up is that?

I found a new place. I'm packing. It has a garden and big windows! Oh and a fireplace! I can't wait to have hot chocolate after work in bed with my fireplace on. Or for summer to come and plant different types of flowers all in white; plant some oregano and basil to cook with...have a compost area. Good thing this is a Georgian house I'm renting now, so no flat number certainly not 17.

I can't and haven't cry

2011-11-27T05:51:00.001-08:00

I'm with one of my best friends at the apartment. Both of us like synchronized by sadistic coincidence, just got lied and deceived by cowards. For me its more like a process: he taught me all what I should avoid from a man in life; he showed me how does a selfish person looks like. So I'm glad.
For my friend he is only able to see 2 things: the deceive and how much he will miss all the good things he has with him. So, he constantly cries and I have to be his strong shoulder, his word of wisdom and love.
Now, we have, well I have 2 problems here: I will have to leave him alone again soon and I wonder what is wrong with me? Why am I not crying or missing this guy I dated for almost 2 months and counting?
For problem 1. there is not much to do: I'll do my best while I'm here. Try to transmit him all the hope I can and the love he needs while I'm here, but then it will be me off to London.
About number 2, I just realised I already cried all I had to. I cried for the time I wasted but crying over wasted time is a vicious circle. I can't do that to myself. The other thing I realised about why I can't cry is because I had nothing. In past relationships I've had something to grieve about, but not this time. He never opened, he never gave me the chance to build up anything. Every time we had a nice foundation he immediately torn it apart. My friend is luckier somehow: he has something real to cry for.

Sometimes you need to step away

2011-11-26T15:26:00.001-08:00

I remember when I left NY I was happy, more than happy to leave. I thought I would never want to come back ever again. It was home but I was sick of it.
Now, I'm taking pictures of my favourite places like if it was the first time. Sometimes I think you just need to step away and see everything from the distance to come back with your heart ready to love and get involved.
I love my city, NY you are home to me

Swapping punches for blessings

2011-11-20T11:38:00.001-08:00

Two weeks ago on my way to Spitalfields market, I bumped into this old lady that had a jumble sale on the side walk. I thought it was quite interesting that she had angry toys: a couple of stuffed bears that were really bitter looking. So I took out my phone and took a picture. She approached me instantly and offered me a punch. I was so shocked that I wasn't quite sure what was she talking about.
Since then I been carrying her in my heart quite heavily. Shw is probably the same age as my grandma, but she was so angry and bitter. I wonder about all what life could have possibly given her, or put her through that turned her to be that way. I remember praying for her that Sunday night at church: "the lady of the punches" God bless her heart.
I bumped into her last week in Central London in a day which was crucial for me: I needed love and I found myself dry to give her the love she needed. I came back home and prayed for her again.
Today I bumped into her again. I didn't wanted to let this opportunity happen without me changing her life. I ran home, heat some left over turkey and carrots I had from the dinner party, pack a bag with all the stuff I had a round home that she could be able to sell, bended my knees quickly and prayed: "God please let me be the love she needs, let me be the blessing she needs. Open her heart so she can exchange the punches she have received for your love. Please make her still be there"
I ran with my bags full of chocolate, ginger cookies, dinner and house jumble and there she was: standing still like waiting for someone.

I approached her:

me: Excuse me madam, I brought you dinner. It's thanksgiving at home this week and I want to share my dinner with you. I also brought you some stuff that you might find useful to sell that it's no good to me any more

She smelled the turkey and looked at me in the eyes with watery eyes and said: "where is home?"

I said to her: "Oh I just live around the block, not too far"

She said to me: "No where is home for you? where do you come from?" I said "Oh NY, I'm going back to NY".

She said to me: "I thought you came from heaven"

I said to her: "I just want to tell you that you are a blessing"

She took my hand really timidly and said "God bless you because you are an angel".

I said to her "God bless you too, He will because you know He is here for you"

This bitter woman crumbled. Her eyes turned watery, and I said good night.
And then I had my blessing...

"An exciting white balnk page: it's the begining of your new life"

2011-11-19T19:31:00.001-08:00

Today I was having insomnia- shocker- and I went to look for my dad in the Skype chat. My mom was there too.
Mom: why are you still awake ?
me: Mom you know why! I can't sleep feeling broken!
Mom: Don't worry gorgeous, you'll be here in a day. NY will be good for you. I already emailed you the mobile number where you can find me.
me: Thanks. I will txt you as soon as my American number comes active. I just can't believe all this is happening: the good, the great, the bad and the shit! I need to be there: rest, eat, forget, see Iurij, bake brownies- let Iurij burn them- have thanksgiving dinner... you know; I need this
Dad: Laura you should be really excited. This is the begining of your new life; of the life every young woman dreams of and you have the pleasure to have. The life you have been dreaming of. You are young, beautiful, unbreakable, unstoppable; you are at the top of your career right now with just 26 years old. You know where you're going. You can split your time between NY, Paris and London. You own all what we have; you are the dreamed girl of any men and women. I always knew it was going to be hard to find your match, but this is your new life, don't bring anything from the past here, just move on. An exciting white blank page.
Mom: Laura listen, I have to go and look for your cat. Just go to bed. I know God has only blessings for you, you know that.
Me: I know right? A job at Celine... my dreamed job! LVMH the dreamed job of thousands!And I haven't even let myself be as excited as I would like to be because of all the rest. I feel like God is telling that He wants to give me, that He can give me ANYTHING but I have to have faith. It's like Him saying "look, if I can give you that job I can give you anything". I know what I want.
Dad: we want you to be loved, we want you happy. The list keeps on growing Laura that's all, is not the end, you have done the right thing.

Reminder: there is people who love me out there

2011-11-13T03:33:00.001-08:00

Reminder: bad times are transitory

2011-11-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

I wrote this back in February 2010, when I was still at school. I found it my drafts and I think I still feel the same : I'm thankful all bad things in life are transitory.

start note:
This weekend was a very intense weekend, learning wise :)
As I said at the beginning of the week I'm sick again, but still have lots of work to do and about -100000 energy on my battery. Still I came to my studio, opened my files, saw my computer crash a billion times but never stopped trying to go ahead with my life; my work.
Friday I went back home after being the whole day at the studio and kept on working on my friends new mac to be able to finish all the sizing up of my files. I was looking at the screen and I felt like I was going to cry: the files were running everything was going as it was supposed to happened but everything else inside me wasn't. I felt sick and sickened by all the horrible things I've perceived from my environment that given week. I decided to go to bed, no dinner in my stomach just to lay myself inside my blankets and see if tomorrow was going to be a better day. I thought in that same second that maybe I was sick but that being sick is not a synonym of being sad. I thought why am I sad? This should only prove me how happy I must be to be healthy at least 50% of my life. Instead of feeling sad and frustrated for being sick again, I decided to be happy because I had the chance to see how beautiful my life was when I'm fully healthy. So that night, Friday night, I decided to wake up from my bed and turn the last bit of food in my fridge in to a great meal :) I decided to be happy for thinking that sickness is a temporary stage in my life.
The next day, I took a nice shower, styled my hair (which I never do) got one of my best and most beautiful silk dresses on (thanks Laurieanne for it) and decided to work as I used to work back at my office in NY: like the real designer I am!

At the end of the week I have 8 very successful fabric samples
--end of note--

OUCH!

2011-10-11T01:35:00.000-07:00

too many ouches! too often nowadays...
I better disappear for a while. I have a lot of work to do and I can't stay in bed forever. Later on 2 things make me really happy: long walks (2h+) and my duvet. After work I drop my bag at home grab headphones and walk for 2 hours and the only thing that makes me wanna be back home is feeling my skin against my big duvet.
Morning time is painful: 9 more hours until my walk and 11 until my duvet. Plus, dealing with all the ouches: from the office to the inbox...

I'm giving up love ...

2011-10-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

All I can wish you is that God put on your way someone that loves you like I did. More? Impossible! I love you like none has or can :(

On the Road

2011-10-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

"-no girl had ever moved me with a story of spiritual suffering and so beautifully her soul showing out radiant as an angel wandering in hell and the hell the selfsame streets I’d roamed in watching, watching for someone just like her and never dreaming the darkness and the mystery and eventuality of our meeting in eternity..."

There are lines worth reading over and over; finding all the different meanings at the different stages of your life. Like a chewing gum that releases a different flavour every single time you squish it between your teeth...

Easy vs Not Easy

2011-10-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

“It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.”

                                                     Mother Theresa 

Love is simple

2011-10-09T12:32:00.001-07:00

http://pinterest.com/lavra/

MISSING: TITA

2011-10-09T04:15:00.000-07:00

My 6 year old cat Tita went missing at my parents in Costa Rica. She was stolen.

This morning I received an email from my mother saying my cat disappeared from the house. That she must have been stolen since she hasn't been out from a house in 6 years, she doesn't move much since she is fat indoor cat. She doesn't like the street. It has been 2 days now. I feel like someone paused my life; my plans to go to the market vanished in a split second, got dizzy my eyes got filled with tears and bed had been my only plausible destination with a headache that won't leave me. I prayed but still I can't eat.

Just yesterday I was thinking about how happy her heavy body on my chest was able to make me. How she used to purr in my ear and jump into my bed every time I felt like I have none to love. How she made me feel special when she only let me pet her and none else. The way she hide from me when I used to come back home after a long trip. How she saved my life once, and nurture me with love countless. The way she melt in my arms, like none has ever done. I remember the sweet smell of her clean hair coming from the vet and how she pranced around for me to watched her because she knew she was my only one. I will never forget how she unpacked my suitcases twice when I was going to move to the UK and place herself inside instead. She used to attack anyone that come close to my room, but with me she was made of butter.

I know that she loves strawberry yoghurt, hates liver pate and cat nip doesn't work for her. I know that she has an allergy that makes her eye drip and she only likes to get the infection removed with a tissue wet with warm water otherwise she will cry and finally end up biting you. I know that she needs a "brazilian" shave once a month to keep her little bum tidy. That she hates human food apart from the yoghurt. I know that she needs to be groomed thrice a day and she hates it, so she only lets you groom her if you make quite a fuzz about it. I know that she loves to feel special. I know that she has never had fleas and the I chose her because she was left in that Pedigree breeder house orphan when they sold her mom and borthers. All of the other kitties had a mother and she was lonely in her little cage because none wanted a female Tabi. I know that she gets upset with me when I leave her alone, and depressed until certain extent. I know that her trophy is to be able to win my attention over the computer.

I don't know why someone took her away from home, but I wish that if it's because they think they want her and are able to love love her, that they get to know all this things that took me 4 years to realize. If you took her to charge for a rescue, then charge now because my family's happiness doesn't have a price, neither her life.

I was telling all this things to my dad and my dad just gave me a big lesson. He said to me:

"Laura they might think they're doing that because they love her. People think about love in their own terms: love as just one end point of view. I love her because I want her, but they don't think about what would make the other element happy. They probably would never figure out this things because they see love as what makes them feel full filled. You and me, we know that is not fair and it's worrying but you ask them, they might tell you that they stole her because they love her. I know it's hard, but lots of -even people- live their lives thinking that love is to please themselves, to feel loved without wondering how is the other person feeling"

I loved Tita, still love her! I could have bring her with me but I didn't because I didn't wanted to have her suffering a quarantine, a plane flight with suitcases in a dark cold compartment for 16 hours just because I fancy feeling loved by her. Talking with my dad I realized not only with Tita, I just really want to do whatever makes the people I care for grow in health and love, and seeing them have a better life. I realized that sometimes, just like Tita, I wanted to have them with me; have their hugs and the smell of the hair, heart beat telling me that everything is aright; but I can't be selfish.

I don't know if my cat would ever understand why I didn't bring her over with me, why did I left her without me. I don't know if she would have been capable of putting through so much. Now someone stole her without even thinking about it and probably like my dad said: for love. Putting her through the same or even more amount of pressure I avoided to.

If

2011-10-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

every failed relationship I've had
and all the pain
and all my bad memories
and all my struggle
and all my dissapointments
have happened just for me to have this moment
then it was all worth

Proselytism

2011-10-06T16:28:00.000-07:00

The Glasgow School of Art is showcasing my work on their welcome page! That's nice of them :)

Just remember you're a real though girl

2011-10-04T15:49:00.000-07:00

I will be able to sleep for the first time in 2 or maybe 3 days! yey!

Reflection about my inner animal

2011-10-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

what a fool!

El Derecho Positivo: analizando la evidencia con Pelutti

2011-10-02T14:52:00.000-07:00

Pelutti: el derecho positivo establece que todo son inocentes hasta que se pruebe lo contrario; yo solo digo que aplique el debido proceso

Yo: Por supuesto. Asi sera. Yo solo digo que el caso queda en proceso; hay un caso.
Pelutti: si, lo hay

Tambien un problema: el codigo moral

2011-09-29T14:36:00.000-07:00

Please see if her hair hangs long
If it rolls and flows all down her breast
Please see from me if her hair hangs long
That's the way I remember her best.

I'm a-wonderin' if she remember me at all
Many times I've often prayed
In the darkness of my night
In the brightness of my day

So if you're travelin' in the north country fair
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine

One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody

2011-09-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own.
Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So, spread your love everywhere you go.
Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work.

Extract from a speech given by Mother Theresa from Calcutta

Today's feeling :)

2011-09-18T02:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah I, I got to know your name
Well and I, could trace your private number baby
All I know is that to me
You look like you're lots of fun

don't you ever give up on yourself

2011-09-17T01:23:00.000-07:00

It has been a while. I must admit it, I don't even want to say what I've been through. I don't even want to talk about what was hurting me so badly and how it ended because it's over. It took me a while, it took me £ 60 an hour , an hour a week, during a long time... It took me to starve and cry; it took me to be brave and grab my balls together and decide it was not fair to give up on myself.
I'm here just wanting to say that. I did not give up on myself and kept holding strong my faith.

I've moved on from where I was. I'm a year older in a different and much better place.

New Yorker living in London

2011-05-24T08:44:00.001-07:00

New Yorker living in London by Lavra featuring a striped boatneck tee

Striped boatneck tee
42 GBP - my-wardrobe.com

Acne maxi skirt
270 GBP - my-wardrobe.com

Cutler Gross glass shade
298 GBP - aubinandwills.com

Chloé Love, Chloé (Edp, 30ml)
40 GBP - harrods.com

Mandville 9 Pack Of Pencils
9.50 GBP - aubinandwills.com

Too much to write about

2011-04-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

but checking and rambling at twitter instead :)

Missing him: The Clara Sheller situation

2011-03-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

hopefully I'll get to see him in October: Barcelona and London yes! :)
Silver couple 2009 will be now the Golden couple 2011

My dad in London- part 2: Learning everyday

2011-03-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

I’ve spent the whole weekend with my dad. I hugged him once, just when I welcomed him, and it is killing me to feel unable to. I feel like I’ve been wasting 5 days of hugging by now!
I felt like hugging him, but I couldn’t... Right now I can count 5 times that I really felt like hugging him and I just couldn’t. I freeze everytime I even think about it. I’m scared again. I would love to think my last relationship didn’t really hurt me, or to think that my last relationship didn’t made my heart close again... but somehow it did; it made me feel so hurt that I went back to my safe place, and I do not want that! It toughen up the melting ice again; it re froze me a little and I’m trying to keep on melting.

The first day after our first long walk I felt the need to confess to my dad all my failed attempts of having a descent relationship and to explain why I aborted the mission. I said -amongst many other things in an hour long conversation- “Dad, he never let me know the real him, he wore a mask, a helmet and carcass...he took me for granted, like a trophy he felt he deserved...I know he was busy, but I know how busy feels like and that wasn’t it. He always did the right thing but not for conviction, or faith just to be ok for others including me” He looked at me, and he said “you did the right thing Laura. You deserve someone who is up to cross London when you’re broken or say I love you because you crossed London just to see him when you’re tired and broken, but not because he has to but because he loves you. But we all deserve that Laura. The problem is that people conforms- men and women- everybody conforms with crumbs because they think they don’t deserve to be loved, but you know different. It is going to be hard for you to find a brave person, maybe you’ll be alone for a long while, but don’t give up, he exists”

I know my dad loves me, and I know we are both too weird to pretend hugs is our way to express it- still I feel like hugging the ones I love from time to time. For instance, we both spend hours of our lives contemplating things people would never do, like looking at a poached egg while it’s getting cooked. Yesterday we made poached eggs and we were both standing next to each other silent for a long while just looking how all those transparent liquids started turning in to a white creamy solid. It didn’t feel odd, or awkward and I know it sounds like the most awkward situation on Earth! But it just feelt natural and familiar to share a moment of curiosity. I looked at his face and he looked pleased, and I knew he was, because that was exactly how I felt. It was just a stupid poached egg! But we have that in common: the way little things in life work make us happy :)
I realized then, that my dad is probably seen as an unexpressive man, but he is not. He expresses his love in a very particular ways, so I’m sure he does love me. We went to every market in London and we bought all sorts of food from all over the world. We were both really happy trying new things or just things we know we love. Also, we got to do things that I love but he doesn’t give a jack and vice-versa, and we did it because we love each other. We ate out a lot, and cooked at home as well. I made for him my favourite eggs and a dates&yoghurt parfait. From all the places I took him to eat, I asked for his favourite and he said that it was the fish and chips shop around the market. I just realized how much we do have in common! Not one thing or a couple, but the very basic principles of how to run our lives: we enjoy life truly, with no pretensions. We live not be seen but to observe and feel. If you ask me about my favourite meal I would probably say that it was the Vietnamese take away around the corner of my flat.
We went shopping at the poshest department store in London, my dad needed luggage and he said he wanted selection, so I took him there. He picked stuff that looked absolutely horrible- elegant man wise speaking- but incredibly functional. We went there and he was wearing his cargo pants and his trainers; because that is who he is- and he picked the luggage that goes with his look. When we were around the store, people took me seriously:they thought I was the one shopping because I was wearing tailored jeans and shirt, plus a designer tweed coat floor length. I got given catalogues and private shopping appointments at every designer counter I reached. Surprisingly, I’m broke and the man with a platinum corporate American Express and, the one they should have been taking seriously was the man in the cargo pants. It just made me realize how hard it is going to be for me to find someone real, because my looks attract all these fake pretentious people! They might think I’m interested on such life of being flashed on a private venue, like if I was an expensive breed of Chihuahua dog or a trophy... quiet frankly not my cuppa! I love beautiful, well made things; I love great design but I’m not interested on being a mere image: I’m a woman with a life that enjoys it simply and at it’s best. I enjoy my floorlenght coat because I know the technology involved on the manufacturing, I know the skill required to cut it, and those simple things make me happy! I love markets, I love having someone that can look at an egg while getting poached, and just have a home-made meal even if it is just a date & vanilla parfait.
People say that you end up looking forward to find someone like your father, but I would go beyond that statement: you end up dissecting-emotionally speaking- your dad as male role model and learn what you should and shouldn’t go for. Also, something I’ve learnt is that I know how odd love feels like and it’s very different from being unloved. My ex didn’t love me, he had gestures of caring or responsibility- at this point I will never know. I got to the conclusion that I never really knew him, the real him. I thought I had glimpses and I loved those times, but as he said “I’m a good liar”. I’m not saying he lied to me on purpose, but I will never know what was real and what was fake. Truth is- he said it- he didn’t and he couldn’t love me.
The other thing I figured is why forgiveness is so hard to achieve fully and successfully. My dad has hurt me before with things he have said to me, but I know I've forgiven him because when we spend time together I don't remember about those things. It's easier to forgive when you know the person has been honest with you at all times; it's easier to forgive when you know they truly love you.
I'll be updating again soon, as my dad's trip will be over really soon... I'll miss him :(

My dad in London

2011-03-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

In 24 hours my dad will be here, probably will be somewhere having dinner. I'm very confused about my dad. He taught me a lot: of what I want and I what I hate.
He is coming because he is coming from India, not because he is coming exclusively to see me after 2 years. I learnt from him, that it doesn't matter what, you MUST follow your dreams. I also learnt that I don't want a selfish man, that can't say I'm sorry, or that is unaware of the moment when other person is need of a hug around them, or even worst: a man unable to express love.
I learnt from him, that if you love someone -even if you can't really express it with hugs or gestures- you take bold decisions in order to help that someone, and you become unconditional. I like that about my dad.
The last thing I think I learnt, from my parents in general, is that I don't want to be like them: to have a man that can't express himself and be a woman that lives resenting it and dosing her love to him...
I won't let my life be it.

no reason to stay is a good reason to go

2011-03-12T17:15:00.000-08:00

I took a picture of the moment of my decision and so I departed from his door and never went back...

©Laura Cristina Scott 2011 owns the copyrights of this photograph

Proselytism: Cause my profesional life is more interesting maybe?

2011-03-12T15:20:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know... I get to review cool exhibit's premiers just cause my job is cool like that!

ha!
I hate, well- strongly dislike- people that talk way TOO MUCH and PROMOTE WAAAAY more than necesary their work and then you go like "ahhhh... is that it?" cause they created expectations that they can't fill... Hope not to do that with you here :O
I have another blog with a partner in crime :) She is a music producer that works for huge record label, the label that Jack White just signed for, so guess what? yes, lucky me and her, we get to hear all that before hand!yes! ha! Anyway... We have a blog that I'd like to share with you cause it is more about our desing and music and cultural side of life; less drama and more satisfaction :) You'll get to see the fashion design geek in me speaking more often, digg it? Click it then!Fresh Treasures

Trditions are the problem: Religion is not God!

2011-03-10T03:25:00.000-08:00

I remember a month ago, being all crushed and broken hearted because I was dating a man who preached all things he wasn't able to do because his heart was closed, while seating at his couch looking at him trying to make me feel better about being there. I remember feeling I was running out of oxygen from anxiety, asking God please not to bring tears to my eyes.
I remember he asked me "so Laura what are you going to give up for lent?" I remember that it made no sense to me, because I had no idea what was lent! I asked him "what? lentil? what?" He laughed. He must have thought I was trying to be funny. He might thought I was finally following his mood of "just lets ignore real life and just joke around" but no; I seriously didn't know what was he talking about! Lent? I had never heard of that! never in my whole life!
He explained me that is that season before Easter when people give up something they really cherish in their life because of God. And then it all made sense to me... it explained to me the reason why his faith was just a plain religion: he understood nothing about what following God means! First of all God has never said that in his Bible, nor in both of the testaments, neither in the Jewish law... NOWHERE! Man made that up! He wants us to bring our lives to his feet, and be the priority in our lives, not just for a week. No, in our lives everyday! So, I understood that someone that sees the fact of submitting to God once a year and just by giving him ONE THING they cherish FOR ONE MONTH as part of a tradition, is a person who lives in religion but not in faith. Therefore the fact that they preach but they don't really practice, means that they know the words but they don't know their power; they follow traditions from church- the institution run by men but not from God the one who liberated Israel from oppression and brought us the Messiah.
I remember that my answer came quick after his explanation about what was lent, I said: "I have given up already all I had to, but I will look in the next month and see if there is anything else I must give up" One week after I gave up him; now he is my ex.
I live in lent but I don't see it a torture or as a bad thing, au contraire! When you're an athlete or an artist discipline is a must: you need to polish your imperfections in order to achieve your goals. Same thing with living in lent, it can't be a tradition for a ballerina to train 6 hours a day just for month! It's ridiculous to think so! She needs to polish her imperfections; so do we. When we give up things that are not right in our life, that distract us from being good to others or just things that are making us live in a really vain and self centred life, it would be absolutely ridiculous to just do it for a month! And if you think you should give up things for this "Lent" season that you really enjoy, like chocolate because God wants you to, that is also wrong! God doesn't wants or needs you to sacrifice for him, He already did for you. There is nowhere where He explicitly requests so. He wants to give us happiness and bless us with moments of delight, so go on: enjoy your chocolate and stop following man and their sadistic traditions.

Faith is to walk with your eyes closed and your heart open

2011-03-08T16:52:00.000-08:00

via icanread.tumblr.com

Rendez-vous with a mirror

2011-03-07T15:06:00.000-08:00

He insisted to pay for my food, but it's ok friends can pay for you sometimes :)

I met him last year, 5 months ago and i completely fell for him: i thought he was all I thought I wanted in a man; I thought that in a rush because I get to knew all the beautiful things about him in 2 weeks but at the third week everything started to go pear shaped: he showed all at once his “bads”. I decided that I didn’t wanted any of that, I decided that he wasn’t the person I wanted. I decided too quickly cause it was shocking all what he did and said. I thought he disappeared but no: it was me. Now i can see it. He texted me one day saying that I vanished and to me it was the other way around but the more I think of it, me complaining about people leaving me- the more convinced I get that is me the one who leaves. It’s always me the one who leaves, it can't be right that every man I've been with would tell you the same thing if you ask them if it wasn't true. Maybe I don’t want to be responsible for breaking hearts. They break mine first and that’s why I leave, but because I leave with my heart broken I feel they left me first. Anyway, in this case, I started to realize that he was a really troubled guy- nothing mayor or tragic- he needed time to grieve his losses. He told me that it was a shame I met him at the wrong time of his life, and told me all the great things he thought of me and described bit by bit the great woman he thought I was. I was ok about being friends because I realized he was a very mature person that hold himself from getting involved because he knew the kind of trouble he was in. He was aware that he needed to grow on his own, but we both vanished... I kept on dating different people, until I found a new guy-that to be honest- I still love: my ex. I thought the difference between him and the prior one was that he was sure of what he wanted, he was stable and therefore he was capable of loving and taking things forward... WRONG! I got into a big mess: broken hearted, loving someone that didn’t even know what he wanted in life and lives a life to look good in front of others but doesn’t know how to be, and be self content, because at his 30 years old, he still doesn’t know himself. He is a lovely person, sweet and caring, he is not a bad guy, that’s why I loved (still love?)* him; he just needs to grow up, and deal with all his unfinished business.

After a month of having broken up with him, I got a text message from the first guy, saying he wanted to meet. I wasn’t nervous, or anything, but also not sure. I was happy to hear from him because I always wondered how was he doing? whether if he decided to take the bull by it’s horns and deal with his problems or not? Is he feeling better? would he ever be able to find true happiness? I honestly never thought of “ did he found another girl or is he still grieving?” That just wasn’t my business and I honestly appreciated the fact of him being mature enough to accept his problems and care for me by not getting involve. When I got his text, I was honestly happy, but not as the girl that gets called for a date, but more like the girl that is catching up with an old friend. I asked myself “is this ok? I just broke up... should I really be seeing my old crush? is just going to confuse me” But then I realized it was ok, because he wasn’t my crush anymore he was just a person I really wanted all the best for him, a person I pray for everyday of my life since I met him; a person that I truly believe deserves all the best.

I met him and he was nervous, and sweaty. I found it incredibly cute as it just shows the great vulnerability he posses. I was out with my friends, and he arrived there and stayed with us: telling us about his life and trying to make jokes. He finally relaxed, probably he liked the attention of those many girls too! ha! We got to the point where my friends needed to go back home as they have to fly back to Canada at the next day and they needed to sleep. It was just us again- him and me. We headed towards to a great place -a bit too noisy and too pretentious- with comfy couches so that we can catch up. Our failed attempt of romance wasn’t at all part of the conversation. He told me the usual things he used to: that he loved my necklace, my hair, about how photogenic he thinks I am... I stopped him right there and offered to buy his drink. I didn’t wanted him to think that we were on a date, or let him get confused in to the situation. He used to pay everything for me, and buy everything all the time when were knowing each other. He said to me: “Laura let me do it, i am the man i’m supposed to do it” This time I said “Oh don’t be silly! there is no such thing as the man in friendship, plus they know me here, they will serve me quicker” he smiled and he said “Ok then, I want a Stella or a Peroni or anything will do”. We both agreed about we both vanished and that was end of the story.

Just by looking at him, i realized that he looked so different; he had been through a lot and it showed. He looked so peaceful, he didn’t looked sedated, just peaceful. When we started talking and properly catching up I realized he did took the task of grieving seriously: it was a different man in front of my eyes. The decisions he took for his life in order to be happy, the conclusions that he came up with were just a prove of his growth. In front of me I had a man that knew what wanted and already started to achieve it. He re- structured what happiness meant to him and he is finally getting there. The technology lover/ network oriented man I met was gone. He gave away his iPhone to someone he felt that really need it and, had with him a plain simple Nokia. Closed every mobile application that used to keep him in this world of "look at me and my interesting life, please check what I'm doing" where he used to live at; he decided to start living in reality. He said to me “I don’t need all that to be happy. I know where I am and if I want to check an email I will wait until I get home. I don’t need to know everything now and every second ; now is the problem of so many people, they don’t realize that we don’t need everything now. There is certain pleasure that gives the waiting that can’t be achieved now” We talked about the pleasure of having just the things you need and love and treasure them, and feel like everything else is unnecessary.

We talked for about 2 hours and ended up leaving the pretentious club, and having fries at a diner around my house, joking about the clerks at the place and flicking through a fashion newspaper. That night we had no past, nor him neither myself. I didn’t tell him about my failed relationship; he didn’t said what happened in this last 5 months, but honestly I don’t care. He told me about stock market, trading, his trip to Israel for Passover and all those things he loves; I told him about my new job, my hebrew lessons, my graduation and how i was finally embracing London. He asked me for my dad and I told him about that too.

We were about to say goodbye and he asked me to go for a movie next time. I said yes.

He was a mirror to me. I realized that we need pain in life. People that has never lost anything or that decides not to deal with the pain grievance causes them, is people that never learn how to love. They live to do and not to be; life without others' approval it's empty for them. I understood that the reason for pain is to make us more sensitive, more humanitarian and thankful for every little thing we have a round us; not to makes us look, but to deeply transform us. It makes you appreciate and understand that love doesn’t come for granted and allows you to truly love. Pain challenges us, forces our strength and talents to bloom.When we have survived pain we know how to enjoy the waiting. It makes us tolerant and more observant. People that had gone through loss and decided to confront the fear of accepting it, understands the difference between happiness and enjoyment, and know how to evaluate what happiness really means for them, not to just embrace a pre-arranged package that society sell us of what being happy should be.

He was a big mirror that showed me the reasons why to a situation I was unable to understand, situation being, my pain for failing in my relationship and THE EXTREMELY intense pain of getting rid of that love. Taking that love out of my heart was turning into impossible, but that night I learned that:

Feeling like I feel is the right thing. When you lose someone you love that is how it should be. It would be really abnormal to not feel anything about it, it would mean that I'm unable to love or feel at all. I'm grieving my loss
The reason why I decided not to continue being with my ex. He needs to grow and he needs time on his own. I can’t save him from pain because he had it from before and he was just ignoring it. I can't stop or prevent something that happened in his past! It is necessary for him to grow to be able to face it and solve his issues, whether if decides to take the step or not, is not my problem now. I just wish him the best and I would love him to start being brave, just like I wished for this other guy and now he looks brand new.
Reminded me that even if it is really hard, I have to be able to not care about the decision he takes because the final recipient of his decisions it’s him and not me.
Reminded me that my ex won’t be the last interesting man in the world that would put his eyes on me, and also that I’m not interested on interesting men putting their eyes on me- because i’ve found one too many of those later on- I want a man who can appreciate the fact that I'm a survivor, that I appreciate little things in life, and therefore I’m thankful for every little blessing in my life and that probably he would be a blessing to me. I want a man who wants me as much as I'm sure I will want him, and not anyone else.
* I loved my ex, not anymore or not sure? I'm in that point where I'm moving on but not yet there. I'm aware that I have to love him but not like the man for me, just with an agape kind of love. I’m too conscious of all the things that are wrong and how much the process of healing can change a person.For good- if you confront the problem or for bad -if you keep to live in denial. He needs to heal and I want him to be healthy I really want the best for him.
If God wants someone to cross your way again, He will make sure for it to happen. He made Israel walk in circles for 40 year through the dessert because they were not ready, but He finally gave the Promisse Land, how many years after?! But He did. He made this man cross my way and it was a huge blessing!
People that rush things don't know what they really want. They just crave. True love waits. Love is persistence.
Ask for confirmation: every word must have factual back ups: if you say something let time pass and prove with acts that what you say it's true. Don't preach; practice.
If meeting them both, in the given order, happened just to make me realize the difference between a lot of things I was confused about, like the real meaning of pain, it was worth it. I’ve read about it, I’ve suffered horrible things in life but through the life of others and how it affected me I've just realized it’s meaning. Boyakasha Viktor E. Frankl! :)
You need to compare and be compared when you are an option but not when you have been chosen; at that point comparisons are not allowed. We pick once we are absolutely sure about our choice. Take time and take notes!

Welcome to Latinamerica!

2011-03-04T14:09:00.000-08:00

 via The Sartorialist- Isabeli Fontana makes me proud everytime she walks down the catwlak, she is our latinamerican creme de la creme

I thought NY was bad in terms of "where are you from?' I get that question EVERYDAY of my life, many times a day! The places that people come up with are quite far from home, somehow... Sometimes are just random places on Earth I have no relationship with, and sometimes they seem to unravel bits and threads of my so mixed-up-together roots, sometimes are places a little bit further down south but it makes me happy they are closer... well I have an answer for you: I'm from Latinamerica.
Yeah, you know that area that starts in Mexico and ends up Argentina, whether some people consider Brazil included or not, we are all the same stuff: a pile of all together! We look all different to one another in the same country cause it all depends who mixed up with whom?

No, I'm not bulimic or had a bob job or dyed my hair with sun kissed highlights... it's just my Latinamerican way! We have been blessed - most of us- with little body frames and some meat in the right spots! We don't have all the same model chisel faces of the beautiful Eastern Europeans, or all doll faces of the British or the strong features of the Native americans; we have little bits of all of them, but we look like none. We have never known how to get recognize amongst the rest of the world, so we keep people guessing and wondering. I take it as a compliment nowadays. I don't take it as an offence or as people being rude. I'm happy to be a real product of the melting pot.
I used to feel bad because I didn't look from anywhere! Until I said to myself "yeah right, according to whom? Acording to people that think that latinmericans are the 3 samples in life they have met?" We are all very different and that is what makes us US! When people tell me if I'm from the South of America, I take it as an OK answer, because we are all very different, but I respect when at least they locate me in the right portion of land :)

my brain is like a clockwork station

2011-03-04T12:49:00.000-08:00

I've been having migraines, not just headaches, but migraines for 2 days now! reason why, because my brain reminds me that:
a. 3 months ago from yesterday, I had my first day with him and everything was incredible. Everything was absolutely great and I was hoping for all that to be real, and well, I feel incredibly scammed because it wasn't.
b. A month ago he came to pick me up where I was working at the time and we were supposed to go for dinner. And so we did. I was feeling terrible from period pain and from my broken toes, but still it was great. I was feeling the tension of the non-spoken feelings, but I had a great evening: we laughed and watch a comedy show that just made me realize how happy I was about how much I did changed in a month time. I was - and even more now- less anxious; I was turning into a person that believes and trust others and, seeing that anxious comedian and thinking about how I was able to see myself in the past. It made me really happy to see that I was moving forward.
c. My ex flatmate from Glasgow is going to come and stay with me tonight and the last time I saw her, was to introduce him to her. And I knew she didn't liked him, I knew she was just being polite but despite all that we had a great night. I did my best, I know he tried his best. He wasn't a bad person at all, he just needs to grow up a lot.
I remember what I was wearing, the colours, the words, the noises, the smells... everything! My brain is a NIGHTMARE when trying to forget! My blessing is also my curse! Today I went to a shop after work to get distracted, and when I smelled his cologned and saw the white jar, I felt like I was going to throw up and got pale. The shopping assistant asked me: "are you alright? want a glass of water?" for a minute not only me, but the people at the shop thought that I was going to faint.

I'm trying- like with any other thing I try- my best with all my heart and strength, in God: I ate nice food, I cleaned my flat for my friend; I was avoiding the computer because of the migraine but not because I was afraid to write. I wanted to write! I really needed this! I can't believe that this whole situation affects me so much... I'm aware that I'm much better than the time when I was with him, because yes, I tell you about the moments I remember because I enjoyed, but enjoyment is not happiness. I remember leaving him and coming back to my place and feeling the emptiness of knowing it was like a complete disconnection: me loving him; him feeling and thinking nothing about us. There was no us. I have to tell my head that, they I believed that there was us because he told me so, because he gave me great moments of enjoyment, because I opened my heart to him and made him a spot; but that didn't happen on his end. I have to tell myself that us was a term but had no meaning. Anything that it meant, meant to me only.

That guy at the backstock

2011-02-26T13:26:00.000-08:00

When I broke my toes- about a month and a half ago (wow time flies!)- I was not able to stop working because if I stopped they wouldn't pay me and guess what? Yes, I the rent still needs to be paid and I still get hungry every day! So, I asked my boss if he could send me to do backstock work, sitting down, instead of being on a shopfloor all day and he kindly said yes. I remember, some people from the shopfloor looked at me as if I was making up the amount of pain I was feeling; some people wouldn't even understand what having a broken joint means.
I remember it was a Saturday morning and I was quite sad because my former boyfriend couldn't be with me that day. I had none at home to help me and to be honest I was in a lot of pain even if I was sitting down. I just wanted someone to distract me, tell me stories or just hug me. I was in physical pain, but I was also feeling a little abandoned. Instead of that I was requested -by my ex- to tell him 2 good stories for each 1 bad I had in my day. I was honestly really stressed: all I wanted was support; someone who understood me and made me feel like life was easy and beautiful, not someone who made me feel as if I was making my own, and his life miserable by asking for some empathy.
I walked in to the backstock and there they were: the quiet guys from Sri Lanka. Supun, Dilu and Ruwan. They don't speak much to the rest of us people from the shopfloor; they speak a lot amongst themselves but not much to the rest. I always tried to make conversation but the minutes I had to interact were not many; always running to clock in or out, bump into them while looking for a customer request... very poor quality of conversation. I really wanted to know them. There was something about their shyness, their quietness and their fears, I found absolutely beautiful; very honest. I realized that shopfloor people wasn't interested at all in making any efforts to socialize with them. Most of them have been working there for more than 3 years but none really knew much about them I found that incredibly sad and isolating. That day I was there, sitting down with the 3 of them, organizing just like they do 7 days a week, 365 days a year...probably a bit less days but very close to be accurate!
I remember at the beginning everyone was really quiet, but I was just chatting and asking all I could have wanted to know about them: their career, their life, their dreams, their families... and after 2 hours they started to open. To me they started to open after 2 hours, but in reality after 2 hours they just let me know that actually they have noticed all those days before that I was interested in their existence. They made me aware of the little spot I occupied in their hearts, and I cried. I cried not for my pain, my misery or my toes. I cried because someone opened a little spot in their hearts for me.
One of the guys, Supun, he told me he has been working for the company for more than 4 years. He told me about how he has a degree in business management and finances, but he didn't seem to go any further his back stock position. He dreamed about going to Canada because he has family there, also meeting girls from his culture but with a more progressive thinking, raised in Canada... he told me a lot about his life, and even made me laugh. I thought about making something for him: something like a business card or something to encourage him; to let him know that he wasn't going to be there for long, that his discipline and his humbleness were going to take him far someday.
I finished working that day, and I felt really blessed about that person opening to me. I felt blessed to be able to share my time and know about his dreams: an incredibly humble man that has overcome lots of struggle, including 2 full time jobs, a visa procedure and travelling across 4 zones of London to make things happen. That night I talked on the phone with my ex and I told him that I had a great story, not 2, just 1 but a great one! I told him the story about Supun. He said that was a great story, that he sounded like a great man. I was happy because he didn't judged me as miserable person, but beyond that I was happy I got to know that guy at the backstock, I was happy I was able to open my heart to people so easily.
I kept on working in the backstock for quite a while until I was able to stand up for a couple of hours. As days passed by, they would chat more and even shared nice conversations with me, sometimes even a laugh :) Dilu shared her food with me once and her compassion when I cried more than once. Then I found out that Supun was a Christian, his family is Catholic.
Last week after a month holiday he took to visit his family in Sri Lanka, he announced that he is leaving. He found a better job: better paid and a better position. I was soooooo happy I honestly just wanted to cry. I felt sad because I won't get to see him, but I remember that day we chat, I remember believing- strongly believing- that God was going to put him in a better place. I remember telling my ex that night that I was going to pray "for the backstock guy" I really wanted to cry, because to me that was God saying "I know your heart, you've been loyal and so am I". Today was his last day, and I dropped a cake for him with a card and a message. He left a message back on the board for all of us. He came to look for me when he was leaving, and hugged me and said to me that he wished me all the best, that he felt blessed. I hold my tears because I didn't want him to think that I was sad.

I'm really happy that despite all what has happened, this time I didn't close my heart. I love people, I don't like people; I love them and a bad experience won't make go backwards. I was unable to open, unable to love, but now that I decided to give I'm getting so much more than I could've ever imagine: like that last hug and seeing him getting a better job.

"what is on your mind?"

2011-02-24T12:24:00.000-08:00

The reality of things is that we never really say what is it that we have on our minds: facebook, twitter and all those social methods of socialization are nothing else but proselytism: a cover up for people's sad and uninteresting lives. They make us more antisocial and more comfortable being an alien behind a mask, that at the same time leaves and only exists as read by others, behind a screen... really sad. They don't make you look more interesting, you just develop an interesting character out of yourself. I need to be myself everywhere, I don't need a mask. I've met so many people that live in this terrible world of fake and think it's ok, but it's not, because then they find themselves unable to know their real-selves and understand what they're going through in real life. They invest 90% of their emotional life building up this character and forget about reality.
I refuse to be caught in this tramp of hell! One day I really wanted to say all that but:
1. My Facebook didn't allowed me to write that much
2. I wrote something pretentious and short, that summarized something I was willing to be or feel, but definitely not what was going on my mind

So if you really want to know what is going on my mind... there, I just said it.

How not!

2011-02-24T00:35:00.000-08:00


"Bisous ma Clara <3 "

How not to miss him (my best friend)? How not to realize that I do deserve someone that loves me and wants to be with me, if there are men of that type alive, in this planet!
Today my morning started great. I got a message from my best friend Fernando that said:
'it is turning into ridiculous this situation: I miss you so much I see you everywhere in everything I do. Why are you not on skype? Bisous ma Clara <3" and attached the photo on top making reference to our favourite TV show Clara Sheller.
There are amazing people, with beautiful hearts out there that are up to break their shells and love you for who you are, so never EVER put down your standards or settle for less than you deserve.

Ps:IJust in case, if this is the first time you stumble upon my blog and you don't know about Fernando; he is my UBER gay best friend who's an interior designer and who I used to spent most of my life with; I'd marry him but he's not in to my type ;)

Wisdom from the girls at work

2011-02-21T13:57:00.000-08:00

"Laura, you're too sweet darling... make sure you read it twice. I'm engaged, she is married, you're too lovely" :S I thought someone was going to love me being nice :(

When the world gets quiet

2011-02-19T13:21:00.000-08:00

"There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you’d better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s saying."
Sarah Dessen (via QuoteBook)
I'm feeling shit again today! Is like if my body would know that is 7 pm on a Saturday and reminds me that 2 weeks ago I opened my eyes to a reality I was trying to ignore. I'm awake now; I don't want to feel like it was worth to be under a delusion because it's not!
I don't want to believe the lie that surrounds the world I live in that says that love means to hold on to something that will eventually get me something back; love is selfless, love is not selfish. Love let things go when they're wrong and when the other person needs to grow real love gives space; when we love, and the other person is unable to take the decision to let go, we must take the bull by the horns.
I'm trying to remind myself of all this things. I'm trying to see if my brain can convince my heart that we are ok; that is not as painful as he- it's a he my heart, a very weak him- thinks. I keep on writing and telling myself that it's ok, that it will be fine. I remind myself of all the beautiful and amazing things that have happened to me this week. I keep on telling myself that is normal to feel that, when I finish work and I open the door of my flat, I have to get ready in a rush to go and see him. I have to put my bag down, take a long deep breath and realize that my flat is my final destination for the day: take off my shoes, turn all the lights on and say "thanks God, my day is over". I need to understand that it is going to be that for the rest of my life. That there will be other destinations to head, in a later future, but not today, not tomorrow, neither next week nor next month.

Somewhere: a place in time

2011-02-17T11:56:00.000-08:00

One of the best days I can recall with my ex was a day he had off and we planned to explore London as both of us are foreigners. He has been living here for longer than I have but, still foreigners.
That day we had a very bad snowstorm, so the plans were ruined by the weather. Right there I should have learnt my first lesson and it seems to me that I didn't at the moment: we have no control over our lives at all.
He decided to create a plan B for me: tex mex food at The Breakfast Club in Covent Garden, shopping, Cinema and the Hospital Club. I quite liked it: taking the tube with him- which was a novelty for me with him cause he was always taking cabs- and walking like a real couple with free time to enjoy each others company. I remember I was really exited cause I was wearing my favourite shoes and my new YSL lipstick the he picked for me at Selfridges; even those little things made my day perfect.
After having breakfast, we headed towards the cinema to pick a movie and we picked Sofia Coppola's "Somewhere". We bought the tickets and then left for tea an dessert to the Club.
We watch the movie and afterwards we made comments about it. I loved watching movies with him ,because we both are very opinionated and created forums out everything we watched. I remember we both agreed, about it being a great movie basically because there was no bad or good people, just messed up people; trying to love but unable to due to their own fucked up lives. It was a movie that was good because it felt real. The dad wanted to love his daughter badly, I mean she was his daughter! But he couldn't do the right things, he tried though. The girl was desperate trying to open her heart to him, anxious and crying out of the blue, with no reason apparent. He wanted to love but he was unable. The girl felt unloved and she felt unable to wake up those feelings in her parents, but that was nothing to do with her...
When we broke up, and I told him "I forgive you" he said to me that his friend from Germany that was staying at his place at that moment- a week ago- was great support for him, because he reminded him of how simple is life and how we can fuck things up really easily. He needed to be reminded of that because he didn't remember how simple and frail is life, and human nature.
I didn't remember about it either, it was until today that one of my friends told me she saw the movie and gave me the same feedback that I remember about it and linked everything.
At that moment, I realized we both- my ex and me- watched a movie but that was it, we didn't learnt anything. We didn't realized how real it was, how possible it could be for us as well.
He was like the celebrity dad and I was in the role of his daughter; I bet he did all his best but he couldn't. He needs to heal. My emotional scars were more obvious because I'm stitching them all the time to close them and let them heal; his weren't cause they were ignored and too too deep to be seen. I'm like that girl in the movie: I can't be upset cause I know he had the best intentions, but still he hurt me cause of his incapability. I loved him and that's why it felt so painful.
Today I realized I was somewhere and now I'm somewhere else, but I've always know that hearts are frail, that life itself it's frail. I realized that I did, and still do all my best to keep them- both mine and my beloved one's heart- safe.

A change of heart and a change of life

2011-02-16T16:39:00.000-08:00

If someone would have told me that my life was going to be blessed this much, in a week time, just because I decided to do the right things, I wouldn't believe them; but it did happened :)
I got hired as the Head of Researching and Textile development of the company
I directed the first interview to hire couturiers for the collection
I joined a book club and I'm already having incredible feedbacks about my readings
I already received the confirmation email from the Hebrew institute for my lessons
I'm helping a guy I met with a beautiful charity project to help men with testicular cancer
My foot hurts less and lees as days go by
The ulcers I had in my gums due to tension are healing
I talked to my friend Chris and had a really nice conversation like we use to have when we were at school. Last time I saw him, was for Thanksgiving and I realized it was going to be really hard to see him go, and I finally got to talk to him. I was able to tell him I miss you :)
My boss told me the most inspiring things today about myself; things I better start realizing before another attempt of selling my standards
I'm just really happy about my life; happy to look happy. Happy to hear everyone telling me that I look amazing and that they love my smile :B Sometimes I cry, sometimes I tend to think I did something wrong but thanks God there is always one of this amazing persons that ask me questions and tell me that I did all the right things. I'm harvesting the love I've planted in their hearts already, in such a short time. I feel blessed :)

Research is over: textile devlopment has started

2011-02-15T13:03:00.000-08:00

Warming up with water colors. Research stage is over

URGENT NOTICE DEAR FOLLOWER: SECRET AND PUBLIC

2011-02-14T11:37:00.000-08:00

Hello!
After 3 years of my blog being called Lali: The Vanilla cookie cat world I'm going to sicht to a different domain so please make sure to drop me a line with your email to the email on my profile so I can send you my new domain as soon as it's done :)
Thanks for being a loyal reader!
best

Laura

Only do what you love; only pursue what feels like you

2011-02-13T23:35:00.000-08:00

"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future. Success is not final, failure is not fatal: is the courage to continue that counts"

I need to see my life in perpective
In a week time I'll be back to my Hebrew classes in Fitzrovia
In 4 weeks time my business blog will be ready
In 6 weeks time I'll be back to ballet. Either at Covent Garden or at the Studio in Shoreditch. It depends on my time
In 6 weeks time my dad will be visiting me from Costa Rica

I'm a strong wild animal

2011-02-13T16:28:00.000-08:00


Some say I'm a wild cat: a survivor begging to be loved


Others say I'm a wolf: a protective of the group but loner at the end of the day


Some other say I'm a swan: graceful and elegant but very cold

I guess "I change shapes but I'm still still an animal" a free wild animal that can fake to be what she was born being. I love Mike Snow song, because describes an Animal hiding and pretending not be what he is, and how beautiful is to find in his eyes the strong wild character of his real being. I wont hide.

I need objectiveness and to be brave please!

2011-02-13T02:00:00.000-08:00

“ A man who lies to himself, and believes his own lies, becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself and for others. When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and in him, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal in satisfying his vices. And it all comes from lying-to others and to yourself. ” - Fyodor Dostoevsky

"The way you cry is the same way you love"

2011-02-12T13:51:00.000-08:00

Today I got out of work an hour early cause I didn't took my lunch break. My stomach has been really affected by the whole break up issue: I don't know what to eat any more, even cereal reminds me of him; Japanese food will be banned from my life for a quite a long while! So anyway, no lunch break for me today. I got home at 5 and I just realized that I had to keep on throwing things to the bin and even changed the decoration; keep on getting rid of ghosts around my flat. I mean my flat is way too tiny for me to live with ghosts in it! I putted up some art work from the Czech Republic with his initials and mine and I remember showing it to him and he couldn't even cared less. That was my way to say this is your home too, but well... now those are gone. My home is my home.
I decided to go to church and as I arrived at church, I saw people really dressed up and stuff... they changed the prayer meeting for a Valentines ball... suicide thoughts anyone? no? So I left and I asked God if the joke was about to be over cause I was not appreciating it at all! I've been taking all this steps thinking I'm doing the right thing and well, it's like if life would be laughing at my face; full of cynicism!
I wanted to walk around somewhere I liked and I've never been with him. So I did; I walked around Nothing Hill. That was a place I used to explore on my own before meeting him. I got in to this cafe because I wanted to have at least a descent meal on my own and enjoy my food. Have something that definitely haven't had with him, so I went for Italian food. He was allergic to gluten so definitely pasta was my safe choice, plus I love pasta and I miss having it. When I was at the cafe, I noticed I didn't wanted to eat my pasta because I didn't wanted to head home and face my reality. Then my phone rang and it was my best friend from Costa Rica; she wanted all the details. I told her everything. I said he is not ready; he is 30 and he doesn't know what he wants therefore he doesn't know what I'm made of and therefore he doesn't appreciate me and will never love me, full stop. She said to me : "Laura that is really sad but I'm really happy and proud of you, because you challenged yourself; you told him every time you had a fear, you told him about your past and your fears while he just held a mask. It's hard to face reality, it's hard to take chances when we have fear and you did. He made you believe that he was ready but he was just hiding his fears, he just didn't even realized he had unsolved issues cause he decided to ignore them, because Laura, dealing with pain like you have done is just for brave people". As she finished saying that, my stomach opened and I realized I had to finish my pasta and come home. I don't want to be like him. I want to finish and solve all what's been messed up: I thought of my laundry, my kitchen, even my bed shelves where I had the Christmas card he gave me where he said he was starting to love me... all that had to be cleaned up.
I thought: what is it that I'm so scared of? memories? his image in my head? The feeling of emptyness? And I found answers for those questions amongst my tears. I have nothing to fear of, the pain is just because I'm grieving but what I had to lose I lost it long time ago, I can't and won't lose anything else. It's time for me to get, to plant and later on to harvest. So I hurried up and headed back home. At that moment I just figured out there was a man looking at me, so I smiled at him, kind of embarrassed cause he was looking at me crying desperately and speaking in spanish. He approached me and he said to me something very similar to what one of my bosses have told me : "don't cry because someday you will make a man the happiest and luckiest human in the world" but he went beyond and he said "because you're crying with all your heart and the way you cry is the same way you love" I really, REALLY wanted to give him a hug, but I said thanks, smiled and left. He smiled back at me :)
Every tube station reminded me of a date: Bond street a week ago -which was more like a nightmare than a date, Oxford street and all the times I had to rush to connect for the Bakerloo before they closed it to go to his place; Holborn and all the times we had great dates at the Hospital Club and even Tottenham Court Road and that time that he went for dinner with his ex and I realized I was able to trust him and love him- that was a huge achievement for me. As the stations passed by, one by one, I said to myself "Laura, life gave you all those challenges and you've approved them, it's over. Well done girl" When I got to Bank I realized that I was no longer thinking about him. I was asking God to bless my new business and my research for the couture house. I said to myself that in 5 years, when I get to be his age I want to be in a very different place. I want to be married, and be a mom. I want my babies to learn that their mother is a woman full of passion, full of God. I want to have a balanced life; now I'm killing myself with 2 jobs and trying to set up my own business, but hey I'm 25 give me a break! I'm not a workaholic, I'm just building up the basis for when the right time comes.

When I got home I look at myself in the mirror (my tiny bathroom one) and I thought " Laura, you look strong. Take a picture on your laptop and look at it every time you feel like you might break. See the woman that others see everyday and you just got the chance to see now" I thanked God for that and took the picture. I'm not strong, He is strong in my weakness, and let me tell you one thing: this experience has been devastating and that's how I know I'll have all the strength in the world to go forward.

2011-02-12T00:29:00.000-08:00

TODAY

THAT DAY

I took the step once and now I take another step... it's all about faith and self awareness: I understand exactly where I am and how should I behave therefore

2011-02-11T15:49:00.000-08:00

“No girl should ever forget that she doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her.” - Marilyn Monroe

practice what you preach! I hate people that had great thoughts about life and never ever put them into practice... like Marylin Monroe. She'd have been a happy woman with less trouble and addictions if she would've have practice what she preached... sad!

My neighbourhood is haunted: a story about food

2011-02-11T15:03:00.000-08:00

with the ghosts of our memories together...
I just broke up with a person I love but we couldn't keep on being together because he needs to grow. I can't believe I'm years ahead of someone that has being alive for 5 more years than I've been. I came back home in peace, but it was Friday night and I wanted not go straight to my flat. A week ago we were at my flat, he was holding my head because I was dead after work while I was blabbering about how much I wanted to visit Bath with him. He was just google-ing a restaurant to have dim sum. I was happy in his arms, but I knew that was as far as I was going to get: his arms never his heart. My heart ached but I ignored it. Now I can't ignore the fact that since I move to this flat all I had in my head was " Oh I really hope he likes it" while buying every single piece of decoration and cleaning the floors. I met him before I moved here and he was always in my mind.
Today I didn't wanted to be in the same place, at the same time where my heart ached just after breaking up with him, because my heart was aching harder and this time I had no arms to hold my tired head; so I went scouting around my neighbourhood but I found ghosts:
I passed by the American dinner and I saw him holding me 3 days after I broke my toes. I crossed the organic place and I heard us laughing at ourselves because the food was overpriced and tasteless and we ordered loads. I saw myself crying on the way to the Mexican place on Commercial road because he has never missed me. I saw myself limping and shaking but holding his hand firmly on Curtain road, trying to skip the crowded sidewalks of people lining up for "gigs" on our way for Dim Sum a week ago... All the people in the tube at 8:30 seemed like deja vu, it seemed like all of them were the same as all those that were queueing those times times when I rushed after work to go to his place and cook for him, or that one time I said "I'll go to your place even though I have to work tomorrow" so we head at 8:30 back to west London after having dinner in Shoredicht just because otherwise I wasn't going to be able to spend time with him in a week. My life, my neighbourhood and my food is haunted with the ghosts of my love. I really need to stop feeling the pain of non-corresponded love. Look what I've done to my meals!

2011-02-09T17:12:00.000-08:00

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

2011-02-09T14:23:00.000-08:00

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars" Jack Kerouac

I'm going in for the kill

Call me a mad woman, call me a mad one because I dare to dream and believe in everything that seems impossible. I even go beyond believing: I decided that I'm going to make impossible things happen; I want to write history. Call me mad because I love my job or should I say jobs? Because I'm broken and tired but a smile shines between the tears the roll down my cheeks daily. Because I stopped breathing oxygen through my lungs and now I breath inspiration through my every inch of self. I might not be loved, I might not have all what people would describe as their definition of a perfect life, but I have all I need to be happy: I have love for life, passion, talent and ambition. I can subtract the beauty that surrounds me, and make it seem like if I was the one created it, as if it was never there; I can open your eyes to the unnoticed. I can light up the world with beauty. My hands can produce all what my brain can imagine. I'm here to live, to live in abundance. I'm a mad one. 

2011-02-08T16:06:00.000-08:00


I can't belive how much I miss you

2011-02-08T15:18:00.000-08:00

"It seems (though rarely) that love can find entrance, not only into an open heart, but also into a heart well fortified, if watch be not well kept. It is a poor saying of Epicurus, Satis magnum alter alteri theatrum sumus; as if man, made for the contemplation of heaven, and all noble objects, should do nothing but kneel before a little idol, and make himself a subject, though not of the mouth (as beasts are), yet of the eye; which was given him for higher purposes. It is a strange thing, to note the excess of this passion, and how it braves the nature, and value of things, by this; that the speaking in a perpetual hyperbole, is comely in nothing but in love. Neither is it merely in the phrase; for whereas it hath been well said, that the arch-flatterer, with whom all the petty flatterers have intelligence, is a man’s self; certainly the lover is more. For there was never proud man thought so absurdly well of himself, as the lover doth of the person loved; and therefore it was well said, That it is impossible to love, and to be wise. Neither doth this weakness appear to others only, and not to the party loved; but to the loved most of all, except the love be reciproque. For it is a true rule, that love is ever rewarded, either with the reciproque, or with an inward and secret contempt. By how much the more, men ought to beware of this passion, which loseth not only other things, but itself!"
On Love by Francis Bacon

*I've read a bunch of Francis Bacon essays today and now I'm too full of ideas to be able to sleep :S

"there is no excellent beauty that hath not strangeness in the proportion" Francis Bacon

2011-02-08T13:42:00.001-08:00

me and momone
Originally uploaded by Lavrita

I have no other option but loving you

2011-02-08T04:12:00.000-08:00

please don't hate me for feeling hurt.
I'm being incredibly patient with you, can you please do the same for me?
Could you please understand that it hurts not receive attention? Do you understand that I don't want you to act out of guilt?
I hope you realize that even-though I'm incredibly scared I'm still brave enough to let myself dream about a future by your side, just like you wanted me to and asked me to. You want me to set up goals with you, but you give no room in your life. I don't know how this would make sense in your world-because it doesn't make sense in the world of normal- but I decided to be part of your world and I can't deny that it can be quite scary. I thought that letting myself go and dream on with you, give you all what you need to feel happy and safe; give you joy and laughter would help you to open your heart...but it didn't. Not at all. I will keep on going, cause I have no other option but to love you, because as you said: "love is dedication" It's so frustrating how clear you have it but how impossible it turns out to be for you. Just please be patient if I cry or if I can't smile as much as you'd like me to. I really would love not to be the only one loving, but I will love and will be the only one if I must. I'm being as patient as I can. I've done all I've could, and I will do all I must, but please don't judge me if tears roll down my cheeks; it's just my human heart.

love should be a 2 way street otherwise it's a tomb

2011-01-21T17:33:00.001-08:00

in which I'm not going to let myself be buried!

selfless feet

2011-01-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

I broke my toes yesterday. Yes I cried. But this morning I wasn't crying anymore. Not at all.

When I saw the doctor he asked me why was I there? I told him that I thought I had a broken toe. He said to me "well probably it is not broken because if it was you'd be crying from pain. A broken toe is really painful. Probably it's just miss-placed. But let me check. How did it happened?" I told him the story. In the meantime I got rid of my jeans, in order to get rid of my tights- you know the multi layers in cold wintery  London. I said to him that I tripped on a marble brick that was placed as a door stopper at my building's laundry room. I told him I fell like half a meter away from where I tripped because I was running. I said to him that I knew it was broken because I used to be a ballerina and I know how pain on my feet feels, serious pain and serious injuries, but that nothing has felt like this before. I told him I wasn't crying anymore because I learnt how to deal with pain, specially after hitting my feet a million times on the bars and with jumps.

He stopped writing and looked at me and said, "did you used to dance?" and I said yes. He said "oh I feel honoured to be checking your feet. I love ballet and I've heard that ballerina's feet are absolutely beautiful" I immediately laughed! And got really nervous cause he was expecting beautiful and I know they're anything but beautiful! Then I thought: "agh is just a doctor, I don't have to be up to his standards! plus, probably he has seen way more horrendous things in his life" So I showed him my injured feet and told him "I think that you're not a real doctor! how can you expect beautiful feet from someone who bashes her feet daily for years? I don't know who sold you that idea, but sure lied to you" And he laughed and kept on examining my toes. At that point I was crying cause he found- by pulling them- an ijured one. He said: "can you show me your other foot please?" and I said to him that there was nothing wrong with the other one. That the accident was just on my right, but I showed him. He was examining my both feet all over, just looking at every gross bit with a smile- very weird- and he said that my feet were full of problems, little medical problems that would never really stop me from walking, that probably would cause me pain but that they were beautiful. He called them "selfless feet".

He said that it was incredible how a part of your body transforms to let the rest of your body be able to develop such a beautiful discipline. He was telling me how all those horrendous things that I mentioned and that he saw - calluses, blisters, damaged nails, athlete's foot, bunions, bunions and on and on and on- are just the body's response to keep the rest of the body safe from danger. He said not to get rid of the calluses because that prevents new blisters. That he didn't agree with doctors that tell people to get rid of everything that wasn't "normal". He was a very young doctor with a bit of revolutionary thoughts- as you can read. 

Then he sent me to xrays. When I came back, he found on the xrays that I had 2 broken toes. He said that it was incredible that I wasn't crying. He looked at my feet once again, put bandages on the broken feet and told me to take care of my selfless feet :)

2010: full of pain, full of achievements but leaving

2010-12-31T15:33:00.000-08:00

and God gave me the blessing of being able to cry tonight

It's been a funny year... to be honest -as you have been able to read- this year has been a bitch to me! But I'm here and probably stronger than ever before. I don't want to say goodbye to 2010; such year doesn't deserve it. I'm alone and I know I should just go to bed. Too tempting to go out but I won't fall into temptation. Once again, I rather being the one who did everything right instead of being the one who took all the wrong choices under the name of duty or just fun.
I think I'm scared about some decisions I took, at least now. Probably I'll be glad I did took them, but that will happen later, when I end up realizing I did gain something and learned loads. Learning stuff- the hard way of course- has been a classic bad joke in my life! I never learn anything the nice way! OH! that is going to be over in 2011, no more learning the hard way! Please no.
I'm alone, worried about things I can't change. I have health problems and I'm trying to be strong enough not to worry my parents. I'm supposed to be quiet cause that can scare my boyfriend? That's a what a friend told me, but I don't think so! It's really hard to hide what you're going through from the ones you love. To be honest I'm sad and I want to cry; it's all I wanna do and none cares, well why should anyone care? Probably that's why I'm writing it down, cause you my reader are my last hope of empathy. I refuse to think that 2011 starts in sadness! That's why I'm going to bed now. Much rather thinking that 2010 ended up in sadness and not that 2011 started sad,but no way! 2011 will be different...
I have to say, 2010 was a great year in terms of achievements but I felt like I was sweating blood at certain point; I just couldn't keep on going! It was a good year to realize that God never ever leaves me alone. He always answers. It was productive, very, in terms of faith growth. I'm really looking fwd for 2011 and see where my faith takes me.

That song...

2010-12-24T14:54:00.000-08:00

why can't you love me like the others do? They stare at me while I stare at you... Why can't you love me like the others do? They stare at me while I crave you

a naked wolf

2010-12-22T11:13:00.001-08:00

a naked wolf por Lavra con vintage boots

me in my most intimate
simplest
version
taking huge decisions in baby steps

I'm a wolf

2010-12-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

I know how to howl but it has always scared the rest, in fact, just look at me: I look scared. I'm a little wolf that thought she might never howl again: never show her heart, never communicate love or feel exposed to bigger animals ever again. After many times of been bitten and attacked by bears, today I'm the wolf that hugged a bear. I will learn to howl again. I've found a place where I feel safe

2010-11-24T14:00:00.000-08:00

Your cracked country lips,
I still wish to kiss,
As to be under the strength of your skin
Your magnetic movements
Still capture the minutes I'm in
But it grieves my heart, love,
To see you tryin' to be a part of
A world that just don't exist.

Thanksgiving once again...

2010-11-24T12:50:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard time trying to the make most out of this thanksgiving. A year ago I hosted a great party for 30 people at Glasgow; we hosted and cooked AND I decorated! Me and my friend Ashley but this year things are quite different...
I'm broke
I still have no flat until Dec
My computer is a bitch and it's failing!
My cat is miles away from me
Nevertheless, I'm still thankful because:
I have the best memories of a year ago
I still have all my hosting and cooking skills
My Grandpa is in heaven
I have a job
Miles away, but I know I still have my friends
plus! Today I met and styled the princess of Monaco :)

an interview with myself

2010-11-21T12:41:00.000-08:00

Today at work I was chatting with one of my new co-workers: a beautiful 25 year old girl from Germany. She is an artist, a charming and hard-working girl.
The store was empty, I was moving stuff from one place to another and she was looking at herself in the mirror and she said: "I wish I had a guy..." right there she opened a door in my universe and the conversation started.
I asked her: "sorry? what did you said?" She repeated the statement for me. I said to her "I've heard that when you go out every guy wants to talk to you, interact with you somehow. It won't be such a hard task for you to get a guy; you have all the options dear!" She looked at me and smiled, then she said "yes, that's true: I go out and they do approach me and talk to me and I can see it in their faces... they all look needy. They want IT, they don't want me. What they want from me is what any other beautiful girl might give them; but there's nothing about me they care for or want. So I don't want them"
I said to her "That's absolutely true, so what do you want? You don't want 'a guy', so what is it that you want?"
She said "I want someone who wants to know me. I want someone who wants my company, and brings me company.I don't want them to care about my beauty, I'm beautiful and I know but that's not all what I am. I want him to want ME"
I told her "Yes, you are beautiful, and even for me is hard to listen to you and think about how smart you are; even I am a full of prejudice human being, I wouldn't expect you to feel the way you are telling me you feel. I see you and think you have lots of power"
She said "yes, the same power that just makes everything harder; the power you use" I laughed and said "picky-ness? the weapon of choice?" ans she said "exactly!"
I said then "have you picked anyone yet here Britain?" She said "No, I rather live in the fantasy that they're all needy and not in the reality" I said "what would reality be?" she looked out the shop and said "you know the fact that they don't care about me, then I end up broken." So I told her " Well, that is the basic difference between you me: I'm risking it. Do you think them not caring about me makes less interesting? I face being broken all the time, but that also proves me I have power within me: I stand up, pick up my pieces and say next" She said to me "but you are disarming" I said to her "needy-ness is not an armour is the lack of it,neither the games they play to cover it"
She said "yes, I'll try. I need to"

Dos años...

2010-11-09T03:03:00.000-08:00

No se que tienen los hombres en sus cabezas? Qué les hace pensar que si he estado sola dos años voy a poner abajo TODOS mis parametros por el primer tarado que se atraviese? Ah! claro porque ellos en dos años en lugar de hacerse más selectivos lo que tendrian son las bolas azules!
Al contrario, estar sola estos dos años me ha dado la fuerza para mantenerme y para saber que sola puedo llegar adonde quiera, que lo quiero es compañía para disfrutar no un estorbo, ni alguien que ya tenga en su vida esa plaza llena. Me volví MUY MUY selectiva, estoy absolutamente impresionada con las decisiones que he tomado; gente que no ha pasado el filtro que en otros años posiblemente ya yo los tendría arrollados entre mis brazos!
Dos años, me han esneñado lo que las personas pueden llegar a hacer por necesidad y me han enseñado también, que mis necesidades son completamente diferentes y que gracias a Dios las puedo llenar yo sola. En dos años entendi que lo que quiero es un compañero de aventuras, un mejor amigo con el cual me sienta libre de llevarlo a mi cama un día y saber que todo va a seguir igual o mejor al día siguiente. Pero no quiero ser solo una de esas clausulas y hay hombres que ya tienen algunas plazas llenas y sólo ofrecen otras. To those I say NEXT!

Fear has been defeated

2010-11-09T02:42:00.001-08:00

when you run from fear you have no idea what you're running from; when you meet them and converse and still decide to run, you can be sure you're running not from fear but from danger ;)

perfect sunday morning picture

2010-11-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

re-posted from blog Le love photo by Alexis Mire

small shocking things

2010-11-06T02:25:00.000-07:00

guy: you are adorable... will you run away with me and see the world?

me: thanks for the word "adorable" I have never heard that in my life before
But no, I won't run away because I love my life here. Plus I've just met you.

La deh duh...I want to stop being an Annie Hall

2010-11-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

Understanding cats

2010-10-30T16:47:00.000-07:00

Why do cats purr?

No one really knows for sure why cats purr, but there are several theories:
a.When cats are babies, it allows them to let their mother know they are okay.

b.Many cats purr when they are happy, for example when snuggling on your lap.

c.Some cats purr when they are afraid, too, like when going to the veterinarian.

Aren't they much more like us humans? but more honest!

What are hairballs?

Cats are very clean animals. You may have seen cats licking and grooming themselves. This causes them to swallow a lot of hair that can build up in the stomach.

When the hair is not eliminated in the litter box, it can make your cat vomit, resulting in a hairball.

Help reduce hairballs by brushing your cat often to reduce the amount of hair that she swallows when grooming.

Why do cats without claws still try to scratch?

Scratching is a normal part of cat behavior. Even if she has been de-clawed, your cat will mark her territory by scratching. Cats also scratch to stretch their muscles and to shed old nails.

What is catnip and why do cats love it?

Catnip (nepeta cataria) is a member of the mint plant family. It contains a chemical called nepatalactone that causes a reaction in some, but not all, cats.

Cats who are sensitive to catnip may roll round in it, run and jump around. This crazy behavior lasts for only few minutes until its effect wears off.

Why is my cat hiding?

When your cat is afraid, she may find a hiding place to feel safe, and she will probably come out when she is ready. If she doesn't come out after a day or two, or if she is not eating or using the litterbox, take her to the veterinarian for a check-up.

Your cat may arch her back and hiss when she is afraid. This is her way of trying to look larger and more frightening to whatever is scaring her.

Creating a bond with your cat
Is hard to get a cat to trust you! Be patient. As with any kind of relationship, the bond between human and cat takes patient cultivation. Don't run up to the cat, grab the cat, chase the cat, or even look at the cat funny. Respect the cat as you would a father-in-law who doesn't like you, but you must win over regardless.

Show the cat that good things come from you. Bring him snacks whenever you approach him. If he hisses and shows aggression don't get angry. Just leave him be. If he's too afraid to let you get close, gently toss the food his way (note: toss it NEAR him not AT him) Try gradually making him come closer to accept the treat until he's eating out of your hand.

Make a show of dinner time. Rattle the bag, open the can as noisily as possible, call out the cat's name, etc. Take time out of your day to seek him out and sit near him where he can see you, but don't look at him. Eat something (preferably meat) that smells really good or fiddle with a cat toy. Do this until he starts approaching out of curiosity.When he approaches offer him a bite of the food or the toy. If he accepts it and doesn't immediately run off, pet him.

Barthes and me; we

2010-10-29T18:25:00.000-07:00

Maybe not exactly soulmates, may be I'm just auto-flattering myself too much but, the one thing we have in common is the usage of very rational, descriptive and almost technical terms for the description feelings; we can describe them so well we can make people feel them, but we can't express them trough pure emotion. Therefore we use description...at the same time we do understand the impossibility in our self-imposed task. I'd love to be able to say things, freely show how I feel but I can't

"To hide a passion totally (or even to hide, more simply, its excess) is inconceivable: not because the human subject is too weak, but because passion is in essence made to be seen: the hiding must be seen: I want you to know that I am hiding something from you, that is the active paradox I must resolve: at one and the same time it must be known and not known: I want you to know that I don't want to show my feelings: that is the message I address to the other.

To try to write love is to confront the muck of language: that region of hysteria where language is both too much and too little, excessive and impoverished.”

Do you really?

2010-09-03T10:23:00.000-07:00

Not so long ago a guy told me:
"if you open a Bible a group in my country everobody would laugh at you. You have to thank your god u r here and not anywhere else"
so I asked him:
"Do I look to you like the kind of person that cares if someone laughs at her?"
and he just looked down embarrassed. So I said to him.
"Maybe that is the reason why I should thank God: because I don't care what anyone thinks about me else than Him"

My collection sounds like Phillip Glass

2010-08-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

Finally, I'm done! Ready to move on; not only with my collection but with so many other unfinished "business" in life...I'm free to live!
I've been looking at the pictures and I quite wanted a Russian tune but no, it is not Russian is "just as beautiful" I can hear Philip Glass every time I flick through the look book... I can hear "Woman in White" and I can see her: walking towards me. Looking ahead, scared. Wrapped around her skin knowing that she must keep on walking no matter what...

After one hour on the phone with her

2010-07-01T18:21:00.000-07:00

I wanted to hear her voice, I know she has being sick; she knows I've been struggling. I didn't wanted to call her and lie: say everything was fine, that I was doing great. She didn't wanted to tell me about her pain and her illness... we were silent to one-another for about a month. Silent for love sakes. But today it was time to call her.
I was going to bed, but I had this urge of talking to my Grandma, so I shook up my blankets and came to my desk to dial.
I didn't lie, but didn't told her all the problems I've had either. Why would I? I gave her all my big scoops, my great news: my A's, my sponsors, my old friends visiting from NY, my new friends that stand by me; all her recipes I've cooked here and how much I miss her. Then I asked her please not to go to the city. I asked her to remain in the country side safe from thieves and killers. I reminded her that I worry and pray for her every night, but that God is gentleman and He won't go against her will, that she should take care of her own life. I quite felt like her, she used to ask me in my younger days "please don't go clubbing till so late at night"
She said that she knows, that she is trying to stay home with my uncle. That she is enjoying it. She loves watching soccer, cheering for the Germans for the first time in her life :) She said to me that we only care for things we daily take for granted when we are about to loose them "like health dear".
She said "last Sunday at church your little cousin hugged me; she took me by surprise. She just hugged me from the back and kissed my cheeks, just like you used to. All I could see from the side was her messy almond brown locks and I cried. For a second I thought it was you; I felt like I was at our big house in San Francisco and you would come back from the playground to the kitchen and hug me and kiss me the same way. I could only see your long messy almond locks. Please don't cut your hair Laura"
Then I really wanted to say something smart, or thoughtful or I MISS YOU but I couldn't...I was quiet for a minute and then I said "Yes, I've seen pictures she has my hair" Then I realized I was sounding like an idiot and said "I won't cut it grandma, but now you can't see me from the side cause I'm taller than you" and she laughed. Then she said "I want you to remember that I am proud of you. You never gave us real trouble, you were questioning and asking, wondering all the time but we knew that it was a good sign. We are proud of you"
Now I can go back to bed.

Prisioner of War by Egon Schiele

2010-06-14T14:54:00.000-07:00

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
Winston Churchill

about happines and misery

2010-06-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

People hate to know that there is misery and abuse around them when they are not doing anything to make the situation better, but they also hate happiness and success when it's not their own... what a neurotic society we live in!

The problem is me

2010-05-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

I went back home- to NY- for 2 weeks and before that and during my trip I did a lot of thinking... I thought about the only damn issue I can;t seem to solve in my life. The conclusion is always the same and it will never change but every time I analyse my case I found a new resource for a solution. Today after thinking again "the problem is me, but I love myself the way I am. I can't solve my problem and I'm not willing to", my friend Robert from Germany sent me a video from TED. A video in which Temple Grandin- a genius Asperger woman- was talking about having Asperger was actually an advantage in society. I felt completely identified with everything she said about thinking in pictures instead of words, being a great planner, sucking at Algebra but rocking geometry; being really bad with written expression but never giving up. Then she said something that just made me think about my life in general:"I have to solve my work and not myself. I am the solution to my problems in life" That was God smacking!
I thought about all my past and present. I always find the way to solve my work, always. But I thought I had to solve my life, there was specially one guy that kept on telling me I had to change, my last very short-yet most painful- relationship (if that is a way to call it) I've had. He kept on criticizing how I was, telling me "I was too intense, too passionate..." so on; he wanted a more laid back girl but that is not me. I bought ALL he said, ALL. I tried to change, I tried not to care about the fact that he wanted to date "freely", that he wanted an undefined status. I tried to deny all I was for him, he made me feel all I was, was wrong. But was he the problem? No, the problem was me. And not from his perspective, the problem is me believing that I being the way I was was an issue. We were incompatible yes, but that gave him not right to diminish who I am. After all, he just said no you're too intense, too passionate and I never loved you or even being in love with you, etc...He kept on dating- just like before- the same kind of normal, smart, average girl: the kind of girl you will never remember unless you like her; not remarkably anything, just average. The kind that might blend in a crowd - still cute and smart enough to make it through life and college. A non- troubled one.
After that, almost about 2 years now, I started noticing that the type of guys I like just don't like me back. If they have to choose they will always rather "a normal" girl and I don't blame them, again, I didn't choose to live with Asperger but I love it now. All my life I felt out of my element till I just had a proper diagnosis and all made sense. I like guys smart enough not to like me back, sounds like a joke. They like girls that think just about the "necessary" stuff, and I'm not them. I just never make the cut. I mean don't get me wrong if I was any of them, I'd probably go for the non-trouble maker. That is the reason why I always end up dating -yes smart but- ass-holes that are smart and selfish enough not too care about me, but just about them: they don't care if I think or not, enjoy or not... may be they care if I cry cause that might bother them somehow, but else than that it's perfect! They will take me cause I provide the smart conversation when they needed and when they don't they just ignore me. Easy and perfect. I'm tired of that!
So I just started researching, because maybe all these was a just my idea, my mind playing games. I found that I'm not the only one:

I have Aspergers, and apparently that scares guys off. Every guy I've ever cared for had rejected me in a rather painful manner. There's a guy I like right now, but he'll only reject me, too. Just like all the others.

Its pointless for me to have those feeling for anyone, as I will only get hurt every time. They'll tell me in subtle hints that I'm not good enough, that I'm creepy, and that I'm weird. They'll tell me the reasons they wouldn't be good for me, which I've learned is only masking a more direct statement:

"I'm not interested in you. I don't want you. You're not good enough. Stop liking me."

Yes I'm bitter. Yes I'm afraid to have feelings for anyone. I'm so sick of being rejected and hurt. Nobody can love me. No guys want girls like me. I refuse to conform to society's image of 'feminine'.

It doesn't matter if you are feminine or not, beautiful or not, guys just find us really creepy. Girls just can't understand why we don't want to flirt. Is very hard, is very very hard. It's like being born in the wrong planet! I am not the most beautiful woman on Earth but I'm not a monster either, so yes, guys might like me when they see me but they just don't care for who I am, so:
a. They get scared and run
b. choose any other normal girl
c. a+b
d. the more aggressive type of ass-holes think they can change me and the way I think with time- those should be scare cause make me want to kill them!
Having said all these, I got to the conclusion that what I need is someone like me: that understands me because he lives the same reality under his own skin. So I decided to start looking for guys with my same problem, Silicon Valley sort of guys. Well, see.. This is my next research project and I will be my own guinea pig :B

And the fifth finally took him there...

2010-03-13T01:07:00.000-08:00

I wonder about the pictures in his mind the last pictures in his mind?
What was really meaningful for a man that suffered 4 strokes and was still alive?
How many times do you think is the last chance to say I'm sorry or I love you?
God this is all there is...
My Grandpa is a man that always lived afraid with fear of tomorrow ironically enough, the only thing he wasn't afraid of was death itself. And for some reason he was a "die hard"; 4 strokes and standing still. Then, he claimed to be tired. He said once to me "I really want to die, living on pills is not life" And still he lived 2 more years...alive with a death heart for more than 80 years.
I don't know, will never know. If he said till the last minute that I was wasting my time "scribbling and doodling" meanwhile i could "have been a singer or a doctor", but I do decide to remember the next part of his phrase " I don't understand why? Scotland? She is so talented she could have been anything she wanted in life! a designer in Scotland..." He thought I was going to be Miss America, Tica Linda, or a the best singer in the universe. He would listen to my old tapes of when I was a 5 year old girl and regret for me. He believed in me when none really believed I could have been anything. When my own mom called me "tamal wrapped in gift paper" he said to me that I was the most beautiful girl in the universe. I never believed his lies, but really enjoyed his delusions.
He is dead, my Tito is buried, but his memories are alive forever with me. The mornings he woke me up and I extended my arms towards him are still with me. I might have digested his bourbon creme cookies long time ago (the soo forbidden ones he used to spoil me with) but I still have the sweet flavor of his sympathy; I hate the smell of cigarette thanks to his vice. I remember how to sing Cu Cu la rana. I decided, since he was alive, since long time ago, not to remember his failures and embrace his love. Simply because i loved him. I decided this for all the ones I have no other remedy but to love them. I decided to laugh and forget after.
Now I can't tell if I will be able to see him but if I can't I will remember the last time I said goodbye: I cooked breakfast for him, on his bday and he said again " I can't believe I made it"
He made it for the last time and I was present and that, as it is, should be enough for me.
I'm here in Glasgow, will never make it on time to get to Costa Rica, they decided to make the funeral so early today, I'll just grieve my own way.
A song for him:
He stumbled into faith and thought
God, there is all there is
The pictures in his mind arose
And began to breathe
And all the gods and all the worlds
Began colliding on a backdrop of blue

Blue lips, blue veins

He took a step but then felt tired
He said I'll rest a little while
But when he tried to walk again
He wasn't a child
And all the people hurried fast, real fast
And no one ever smiled

Blue lips, blue veins
Blue, the color of our planet
From far, far away
Blue lips, blue veins
Blue, the color of our planet
From far, far away

He stumbled into faith and thought
God, there is all there is
The pictures in his mind arose
And began to breathe
And no one saw and no one heard
They just followed the lead
The pictures in his mind arose
And began to breathe

And no one saw
And no one heard they just followed the lead
The pictures in his mind awoke
And began to breed

They started off beneath an olive tree
And they chopped it down to make a picket fence
And marching along the railroad tracks
They smiled real wide for the camera lens
As they made it past the enemy lines
Just to become enslaved in the enemy lines

Blue lips, blue veins
Blue, the color of our planet
From far, far away
Blue lips, blue veins
Blue, the color of our planet
From far, far away

Blue, the most human color [x3]
Blue lips, blue veins
Blue, the color of our planet
From far, far away

Dead Brilliant!

2010-03-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

Kawakubo is back!
Deconstruction and black are back and I'm up fpor the ride! whoah yeah!

turn the other cheek

2010-03-04T14:55:00.000-08:00

It doesn't mean you to stay there if someone is slapping you! But turn the other cheek as in forgive and forget and do not hide; keep on walking and confront your worst fears. Turn the other cheek. Whenever facing disappointment: just turn the other cheek once again and again, but keep facing the road of reality... I'm practicing what I preach, daily. Although is really hard I'll keep on going, loving rather than being conformed to the rules of this mediocre world.

I'm a designer as much as I am a human

2010-03-04T14:53:00.000-08:00

I'm a designer and it is as much part of myself as my own identity. I love what I do, and here I am: guilty because I've had a very unproductive day; trying to write something that makes me more human and less robot. I know I have less than 2 weeks to have my collection ready, all figured out, to just push it all the way trough the end.
I know I'm not alone and for about 6 months I've been trying to figure out what other designers that I admire feel and think , including some classmates that I see everyday struggling like me; working 12 hours a day, having a wee break just for a coffee and a cigarette (although I don't get the cigarette)
I've been collecting thoughts, of people I consider geniuses at my field. How do they feel? When is the right time for the next step? how often do they get frustrated? Why? What is their passion? What is their principle?
so here I go...

"Why shouldn't fashion be emotional?" Alexander McQueen

" My inspiration comes from anthropology,genetic, anthropology,migration, history, social prejudice, politics, displacement, science fiction and I guess my own cultural background. I'm not really interested in fashion" Hussein Chalayan

"I'm not a couturier; I'm a cutter" Yojhi Yamamoto

"I don't work for a purpose. What interest me is the trip, not the destination" Antonio Marras

"I don't believe in people who thinks that clothes are not important" Miuccia Prada

May be I can fall asleep now, tired of re- writing; of self convincing of what I already know.

My fashion show smells like Ratatat

2010-01-18T16:24:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to decide about the right everything for my fashion show: music, shoes, etc...
while working at my shapes and fabrics. It's absolutely random cuz my graphics are inspired on Russian Suprematism, the shapes are taken basically from all the freaking books I've read in my life about Japanese construction. See,I'm making a dress line, but not really... every single patter comes from menswear... and my music comes from all my life. But the most I see the images accompanied by the music, sounds less like a Wong Kar Wai soundtrack; dramatic and melancholic, and more like a Ratatat song: strong and undefined.
I just have my toiles and my patterns, and one term ahead of me, so. But I will like to share my most claimed "undefined" garment :) It's not a traousser, not a dress, not a toga, not a kimono...It needs to be cropped and chopped a bit, and then printed, splashed, and doodled on top!

Can I have one please?

2010-01-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

Why wearing an animal when you can create your own one? I'm absolutely against wearing foxes fur, there is no excuse since not even carnivorous people eat them! So I'm definitley satying warm with my own Fantastic Mr. shawl Fox :) Avaliable here

Au revoir 2009

2009-12-31T10:28:00.000-08:00

I'm always asking myself for a feedback, for reviews. I need to see where the heck am I! I was reading the post from a year ago, where I wrote about my new years eve 2 years ago as well. I read that and remembered where I was; the exact physical and emotional place: it was dark but there was a light to guide me. I was able to see the light at the end of that dark tunnel. I was sitting down, alone, at my mom's office which obviously was closed that day as well as today; I didn't turned the light on. Just like in my life I was writing in the dark all this things about a life past and a very uncertain future.
Today I'm here, at my past's future: I'm writing form my flat, in Europe were I ended up taking my dreamed masters. I have not much to say else than I'm really pleased with my litl' life.
I couldn't post it on the 31st cause once again I decided to make something for the ones I love: my new friends at the building. I decided to prepare my fave dishes for them. So this is my first post for 2010 instead of my last of 2009.
I remember how excited I was about 2009, all the promises I made to myself and my life. And I felt completely happy cause I managed to pursue them. Now 2009 it's gone and with that a big portion of my most productive year till the day, not economically productive as 2008 but emotionally. I've healed and moved forward from shit stank that I was swimming at. Now is just a matter of having faith and keep on walking.
I will still walk the line

Paris just taught me...

2009-12-24T18:45:00.000-08:00

Well I'll be updating about my trip to Paris, but one thing I've learned after a full throttle week between Glasgow and Paris, is that perfect is only the way imperfect things fit with each other.
There is no perfect people, no perfect couples but there are perfect matches. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how bad you want a person and even if the person is very close to perfection, to your ideal; is just not your perfect match.
BTW Merry Christmas, I'm sleepy now, going to bed after a very long day at the airport...

"I can! You know why? Cause I'm little" ♥

2009-11-15T06:17:00.000-08:00

My new life line from Fanstastic Mr. Fox :)
I just loved it, I mean I love Wes Anderson, (I already said I wanted to be part of the Zissou team) and the cherry on the top of the ice cream: when the little fox just said that! I mean he was feeling terrible cause he was weak and little, but he actually found that those were also his strengths in life, just like me! Gosh! How much am I learning lately about kids stuff: movies, books, stories...

whoever told you...

2009-11-07T19:23:00.000-08:00

that I was docile
that I get conformed with crumbs
that you can tell me what to say
or what to think
was very wrong
whoever told you
that I care if you don't like me
or if I don't fit in ur place
that I'm quiet and would sell my convictions cheap
was lying to you
Whoever make you think that I was an easy catch
that I'd jump in to anybody's arms
that I feel lonely
not only lied to you, but is also your worst enemy

2009-10-18T05:38:00.000-07:00

This is England
A brilliant crit to the white supremacist in the UK

Jabberwocky? is none's songbird

2009-09-23T15:37:00.001-07:00

You loved the Jabberwocky and me for being one? Bullshit, no one likes Jabberwockys...
I just realized what I really meant to someone: I was a fountain of ideas and inspiration for him but even he knew that I wasn't the cover girl for his DVD boxes...
I remember how he told me about all the videos he was going to film: the themes, the shots, even the tittles... He draw on my notebook how he planned the plot to be, I still have that drawing, and he said that I was the girl in those stories. Yeah, silly stupid Laura, the girl on the story like Juana de Arco is the girl on the story but Milla Jovovich is the girl on the film.
I was the girl on the story cause I lived the story by his side, I was the one who once asked him if could ever had a moment of authenticity? But the girl that says that line on his film is 6 feet tall... Was it that hard to say it to my face? Why didn't he? Why did he told me I would be the right girl for all of his projects? How am I not supposed to feel that my body is like a plain box that contains my brain (which is my only real treasure)?
But the most important of it... if he's vanished why did he invites me to his screenings? To see what I would ideally be for him? My inner beauty in the outer beauty I'll never have? It's 12 am at UK and I praised the Lord for being here and not at NY because the worst part of everything is that probably I would have end up going just for self assuring of all my insecurities.Thanks God for my master, I don't need to pretty to be master in my field.

*I'm more like Steve Zissou than any songbird

My cake it's Ken's oven creation ✌

2009-09-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure to have a great Surprise b-day party! My dear friend Michelle gave me a Cheshire cat cake by Ken's oven, my favourite and one of the top pâtissière I've ever met :)
The cake was red velvet cake, the best!
If you want an special cake you have to definitely contact Ken's oven

B-day girl wihslist aka My freakin' list! ♥

2009-09-02T18:46:00.001-07:00

1. Kronan Bicycle
2. Ukulele
3. Diana F+ Instant back
4. Fish eye lens for Nikon D60
5. Miss Sally Rice un-customized Blythe
6. Print Gocco
7. Little Miss Sunshine DVD
8. Le SportSac Fifi Lapin's bag
9. The Doodle stitching book
10. Blackberry Curve or iPhone

We had a date with the night ♥

2009-08-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

The 30 Most Satisfying Simple Pleasures Life Has To Offer ☃

2009-08-28T01:20:00.000-07:00

1. Sleeping In on a Rainy Day – As the rain beats lightly against the window, you nestle your head deeper into your pillow. The sound is soothing and your bed feels like a sanctuary. There is no place you would rather be.
2. Finding Money You Didn’t Know You Had – You reach into your pocket and find a $20 bill from the last time you wore these jeans. You aren’t rich, but you are richer than you were a second earlier.
3. Making Brief Eye Contact with Someone of the Opposite Sex – You pass her on the street or in the subway. She glances up at you momentarily, making direct eye contact in a way that seems to communicate a subtle curiosity. For a split second it makes you think… and then it’s gone.
4. Skinny Dipping – There is something mysteriously liberating about being naked in a body of water. You are naked, but it feels natural, a sense of unrefined freedom.
5. Receiving a Real Letter or Package via Snail Mail – E-mail has become the primary source of written communication. Most snail mail these days is junk mail. When you check the mail and find a real letter or package from someone you know, excitement overtakes you as you tear into this rare gift.
6. Making the Yellow Light - It’s one of the most common simple pleasures, the act of beating the pack. As you blaze through the yellow light you glance in your rearview to see all the cars behind you stopping at the red light. Yes! You made it!
7. Telling a Funny or Interesting, True Story - One of the most enticing roles you lead in life is that of the storyteller. You love to share stories, especially those that will captivate your audience with deep curiosity and humor. There are few things more satisfying than telling a true story that others enjoy listening to.
8. Seeing a Friend Stumble Over Himself – As you walk across the street with your friend, he fails to accurately address the curb on the other side. He trips and stumbles around momentarily before regaining his footing, then swiftly attempts to play it off like nothing happened. This can be a hilarious sight if the moment is right.
9. Hearing the Right Song at the Right Moment - It doesn’t matter what the setting is, hearing the right song for that moment is one of those simple pleasures in life that instantly lifts your spirits. You could be driving home from work, hanging out at a bar with friends, or jogging. When the right song rattles your ear drums the entire meaning of life seems crystal clear.
10. The First Sip of a Beverage When You’re Thirsty – You just finished mowing the lawn or taking a long jog. The only thing on your mind is an ice-cold glass of water. When you are really, really thirsty, that first sip of any liquid beverage is sheer bliss.
11. Catching a Glimpse of Bare Skin on the Opposite Sex – For guys, it’s when the waitress bends over a little too far. For girls it’s seeing that buff guy in a Speedo. Either way, when you see a bit more skin than you were expecting on the opposite sex, you can’t help but to smirk on the inside.
12. Saying the Same Thing Simultaneously – There is a moment of silence. Then all of the sudden you and your friend blurt out the same exact set of words simultaneously. This rare occurrence is something to smile about.
13. The Pull-Through Parking Spot – You pull into a parking spot and are delighted to see the availability of the parking spot immediately in front of you. You pull through to the spot in front so that when you return to the car you can drive forward out of the parking spot. Why? Because driving backwards is a pain in the butt.
14. Realizing You Have More Time to Sleep – Something abruptly awakens you and you think it’s time to get up. Then you squint over at your alarm clock and realize you still have 2 more hours to sleep. A warm euphoric feeling shoots though your body as you glide gracefully back to your dreams.
15. People Watching – Sitting there on your bench you can see people in every direction. Tall people, small people, thin and plump. Blond, brunette, and redhead alike. Each of them has a different stride and a unique expression. As you drift from body to body you are mesmerized by what you see.
16. Putting On Clothes Straight from the Dryer – As soon as the dryer buzzes, you pull out your clothes and put them on. They feel soothingly warm on your skin and emit a fresh-scented aroma into the air. A sentiment of ease comes over you as you head out to conquer the day.
17. A Familiar Smell – You just pulled into your parent’s driveway and opened the car door. You haven’t been home in a long while. You smell familiarity in the air, the scent of a large pine tree in the neighbor’s yard. As you head through the front door, more familiar smells consume your senses. Gosh, it feels good to be home…
18. The Feeling You Get When Your Idea Works – You have been struggling to resolve a complex problem all day and you just can’t seem to get it right. Filled with frustration, you decide to exercise one last idea before calling it a night. You’ve had many ideas before that failed miserably… but this time it works.
19. Fresh, Clean Bed Sheets – You yank at the corner of the bedspread to create just enough space to slide your body under the freshly cleaned sheets. The sheets feel cool to the touch. Everything seems so clean, like nobody has ever slept in this bed before.
20. A Beautiful View – As the car veers around the side of the mountain you gaze out the passenger window. It’s a clear, sunny day and you can see the entire valley below filled with wild flowers and bright green vegetation. The scenery reminds you of something you once saw in National Geographic. But here it is live, right before your eyes.
21. Reminiscing About Old Times with Your Closest Friends – Pink Floyd once said “the memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime”. There is no simple pleasure more satisfying than recounting the greatest moments of your life with your closest friends who lived these moments alongside you.
22. Receiving an Unexpected Compliment – It’s been an average day. Nothing really great has happened, but nothing terrible occurred either. This monotonous day has put you in a dreary mood. Unexpectedly, an older, attractive lady taps you on the shoulder, calls you “handsome” and says she loves your shirt. The day just got a whole lot better.
23. Having a Good Laugh – Laughter is the greatest cure of all. Life is extraordinary in the moments when you are laughing so hard you can barely breathe. These moments of deep laughter are divine in the sense that they cleanse your mood and set your mind on a positive track.
24. The Feeling After a Healthy Workout - It’s a giddy feeling of self accomplishment; the one true activity that actually makes you feel better and look better simultaneously. When you walk out the front door of the gym you are on top of the world.
25. The Celebration in the Instant Something Makes Sense – Even now that it has explained to you for the third time, you just don’t understand how it works. Everyone else seems to understand but you. Then out of the blue the dots connect in your mind. You finally get it, and it feels great!
26. Relaxing Outdoors on a Sunny Day – As you relax sprawled out in a lawn chair, the sun warms your skin and a light breeze keeps the temperature comfortable. Birds are chirping merrily in the trees behind you. You are at complete peace with the environment.
27. Holding Hands with Someone You Love – Every time she grabs your hand you are overcome with an awareness of how much she means to you. Holding hands is sensual and physically intimate, yet subtle. There are few people you allow to hold your hand, so when it happens you can be sure that the moment is special.
28. Playing in the Water – Water marvels people of all ages. From jumping in puddles as a child, to doing cannon balls in the pool as an adolescent, to enjoying a cocktail in the Jacuzzi as an adult… water is enjoyable.
29. Making Someone Smile – You notice that your colleague has been under a great deal of stress with meeting a deadline, so you take it upon yourself to complete one of her indirect responsibilities for her. As soon as she realizes what you did, she comes into your office with a big smile on her face. “Thank you”, she says. You just hit two birds with one stone, because making her smile just made your day.
30. Finishing What You Started – You just finished up a big project you’ve been working on for the last few months, or maybe you just finished your first marathon… Either way, you finalized what you set out to accomplish. The feeling of self accomplishment you get when you finish what you started is by far one of the most rewarding simple pleasures life has to offer.
NOTE*****
I don't necessarily agree with all of it in that order but I do for most part of it :)

2009-08-28T00:43:00.000-07:00

It's just best to stop sleeping with corpses...It doesn't matter how much you did loved them. They're just dead

2009-08-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

* I want to find a place at UK where I can have my beloved mixtape exchanges :(