Sunday, May 25, 2014

Still a human

It has been a couple of overwhelming years: positive, negative; ups and downs but I am still kicking.
I have the same passion, but a lot less time. The same dreams but a lot less energy. I guess I am getting older and with age I've got to understand the things that add real value in life.
Sometimes I wish I had the time to just come back here and write. Just let it go as I used to, and then be able to sleep.
I come home late, very late, eat my dinner, drink all the millions of pills I take for my multiple stress related issues and fall asleep. I wonder why people around me is so miserable? Why are their lives grey? Why do people care more about a suede bag than about another human? Why is it more important the right shade of black than the liberation of a nation or the cure of cancer? And even more worry some why do pleasing them stresses me so much? 
I dream of working with people driven by passion and not by thirst for fame. I dream of working in a place where people understand that is their humanity that makes them wonderful and unique, and that it translates into their work. I do not want to be with people that turn into machines when they step in the office. I want to work with those that understand that design is personal and at the same time social. I want to think that there are people wondering about how to transfer to objects deeper meaning than the color of this season. 
I am growing into a person that I can relate to and I realised that last week.
I interviewed for a much higher position, with a well renown company on my field. (No need to say much more money was going to be written on my paycheck) and I rejected the job because I could smell the human exploitation and the climate of misery from the second interview. Before, I would have chased the name, and the many zeros on the paycheck, thinking that it could have given me a better life.
A better paycheck just gives you a better option for private medical insurance, to be able to pay all the brand new illnesses from your brand new stress. I don't need any of that I need life balance, and it has taken me almost 30'years to get there; but  I'm closer everyday.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Begginers: Our movie

Anna, Oliver and Arthur are walking in Elysian park, a view
of downtown behind them. Oliver's looking at her face, she
Nothing, you’re pretty.
Jewish girls are not pretty. They
can be "interesting", or cute, but
not pretty.
You’re kidding right?
That’s what my mom told me.
She did not.
Anna laughs. As Anna continues to explain, the sound begins
to fade down...
No, you’re right, this girl at
school told me that. And I went
home and my mom said, ‘Anna, who
told you that?

Friday, June 28, 2013

Melancholy: that thing that chases me all over

Photo taken by my mother on our way to Bevis Marks

After 5 years in the UK  and waking up everyday living in a system of values in which I felt really unrealted to,  moved back to NY.
I have been dreaming for more than 2 years to be back. My job was such a good opportunity there was no justification for me to do so. Finally got the chance to move; finally back to all those things I have missed for so long and ready to deal with all the other things I deeply dislike. This is real love: I came back to the city with an objective and less romantic view of things.
Now that I am here I have to admit that I do keep a very special place in my heart for all the memories of my London life: my dreamed house in Clerknwell and how when I was writing or drawing in the living-room at the basement there was a sutile light coming through the window . The way the dry leaves crisp when you step over them at the fall time,  brunch time at Exmouth Market with my sister in law, bike rides; the excitement of those days where the sun was finally out and I was finally sweating at 23 C. I miss cooking with my friend rosewater cupcakes and poundcake, and all those things that I am not supposed to eat: full of sugar and gluten!

I even cherish the bad times, because those times of sorrow made me who I am now, without them I would not be able to e who I am today and I wouldn't change myself for anyone in the world. I remember the many walks of shame, winter, spring, summer, fall and back to winter; going back to my apartment in Curtain road after realising I have just met the wrong person once again. Cleaning sometimes my tears and sometimes laughing alone at myself. Lying in my bed afterwards in the dark, with a little light on that it was maybe a little brighter than my hope. Walking back home East from Mayfair after a long day of interning; again trying to give hope to myself saying "you'll get hired, just keep pushing". The way I cried and missed people that I decided to leave, sometimes it was really hard to convince myself it was all for the best. I remember crying alone the 2 most important losses I had in those 5 years: my grandpa and my cat. I remember thinking "dammit! I couldn't even see them, or give them a last hug! I am so far from home!" but still I don't regret any of that.

I am here, on my day off - something non existent in my London life- writing from my table at 30C, with some real reasons to sweat. Over viewing  Central and Riverside Parks, with my cat laying on her belly asking for some petting. I am happy, very happy but I have this sweet pain of all those things I have left back.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Working Artist Support

My nextdoor neighbor has an original Louise Burgeois piece hanging on his wall, amongst many other respectable artist pieces.

I want to start buying art for my house, but not traditional art. I want art pieces made by contemporaries: people that makes art nowadays, and plans to live out of it in the middle of XXI century.  Some starving artists are just starving because our lack of support, rather than lack of talent. I want pieces from people that make you reconsider art, and not only art but also life itself.
This are things that my husband and me would love to have framed in our livingroom.

I will post the artwork at home when we finally get it :)
"La Mona Lisa" by FontFace   
"WORK HARD" by Anthony Burrill

Monday, December 3, 2012

Paris in February

I was at Paris for work. I was dating this guy- my now husband- and I had this strong and, at the same time scary feeling, that he was the one. That I was going to marry him. I wanted to believe I was wrong, I wanted to find his faults right there and then so I could get disappointed and let this crazy idea go; but I couldn't. My heart was right and eventually my head understood. Love has grown stronger everyday since. This song was everywhere back then, and it was very appropriate: he left no room for doubt .

Sunday, January 1, 2012

About my quirks: in 2012 I can tell you what I think

To someone that asked me about my quirks. I'm pretty pleased about being able to say what I think. Finally!

"I don't know what to tell you about my quirks, just things that you'd get to see as time goes by; things that are part of me that I can not even point out because it's people that find them weird to me they're normal. I am normal cause I am true to myself.
And well you know, my faith. There is no negotiation there. I will not sleep with anyone and not because it's written somewhere but because I believe that I want to sleep with the same person for the rest of my days. That's tragic for most men hahaha! I bet it makes them nauseous when they read it and they already had a structured plan of how to get into my pants! but you know, everybody has their deal breakers. That's mine. I like things in certain order- oh maybe that is one of my quirks!- and that just comes last. I don't open easily. I like to feel I'm like with my best friend to feel comfortable to enough, and as far as I remember I didn't picked my best friends out of a whim or in 2 days. It took me time to get to know them.
I think it should be really easy: you like someone or you don't; you feel like you will not be able to let it go, or you know that person will be easily replaced by anyone around the corner in 2 days time. It's easy. I don't believe any more in relationships that make you waste years of your life and go nowhere. Most of my friends from childhood and high school are boys, and I grew up with my cousins (all boys) and I learnt that you're either the girl someone wants or not. I tried to think that it was just real for those boys. Last year I proved in my own skin that it applies to everyone: they want you or you are just an spare part. Easy :)
is that quirk or one too many? or just me being rational?"

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Forever after... How so?

It's the holiday season and you get updates from everyone in the family and what are they up to with their lives: divorce and misery has been all I've heard from my family in the last 2 weeks.
After all this year that is almost gone, and meeting people with such low umbral of tolerance and frustration, willing to make no effort for what they want for their life ; hedonistic and childish: Selfish people. I started wondering again: do I really want someone in my life? I've seen the tragedy of couples breaking down to bits because the relationship works more like jockey than waltz: there is no dance, no rhythm, no harmony. They don't move together looking at each other. It's just one thinking that can command the other to take all the weight on his back, all the work load, but with no right to decide the direction cause he/she is the rider on on top that leads... Then the rider picks up the medal and leaves the horse. It's not a team, not a couple. It's a rider and a horse and sadly that's what marriages and couples are like sometimes. Don't get me wrong there are worse case scenarios than this, but this is not the way life should be.
"Forever after" "until death due us part" sound closer everyday: they both sound like out of a fairy tale; an unrealistic story, written about a non human world.
This is not the most positive note I've ever written but I'm honestly concerned .